Dear Prudence,
My husband’s father has always had a case of self-importance. He has many stories about how people with “low emotional intelligence” have done him wrong. My husband’s relationship with him has never been exceptionally close, but he says he was a good father and was always there for important events. For the 15 years I have known his father, I have rolled along with a similar cordial type of relationship. Two years ago, that changed.
My husband and I hosted a large Thanksgiving with both sides of the family and our friends. Dinner was wonderful. After dinner and drinks, he and his wife were discussing how much he loves a book that had recently been made into a movie, and then he insisted that I would love it, too. I said I didn’t believe it was my cup of tea. He became personally offended and said that I had a fundamental misunderstanding of the book (I don’t).
Later that night, we were by the door saying goodnight. I was directly across from my father-in-law in a tight space, with my husband immediately to my left. My father-in-law put both hands on my shoulders and pulled me toward him to kiss me on the lips (he has never done this to me before). I turned my cheek to avoid lips-on-lips. He pushed me back, made sure I gave him eye contact, and then said, “No, no, on the lips.” He pulled me to him and put his wet lips on mine. My husband was standing there watching this happen, and in shock, neither of us said anything.
A week later, my father-in-law emailed my husband about how wonderful Thanksgiving was, but that I was a damper on the evening. My husband wrote back saying that from here forward, he is not to physically touch me ever again. My father-in-law took major offense at this and emailed multiple family members seeking validation on how awful we are. Come to find out, I am not the only woman in the family that he has touched inappropriately! But there is a family history of people biting their tongues when it comes to him, and I think everyone wishes this would just go away. To this day, he continues to accuse me of lying and my husband of being ungrateful.
There is no pinning him down on the truth. He refuses to try to understand our perspective. I have been supportive of my husband’s attempts to preserve some type of relationship with his dad. But if he will not acknowledge that his physical interaction with me has to change, I don’t want anything to do with him. The same goes for our kids, two boys aged 8 and 10. I’ve had multiple conversations with our kids on consent because of this. I’m holding the line. Please tell me I’m not off base!
—80 and Drunk is Not an Excuse