Just give the dog back

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

When my sister-in-law got pregnant, she made my brother give away his boxer mix because it would be “dangerous” for the baby. At the time, I had a house with a huge yard and the ability to take the dog in. That was three years ago and circumstances have changed. I am being transferred to a new city and will not have any room and it would be unfair to the dog. I have a friend that is willing to adopt the dog, but my problem is my brother still refers to it as “his” dog. He hasn’t contributed a penny towards the pup’s needs since the baby was born, and I paid out of pocket for the vet bills (the dog is microchipped in my name). Confronted with this news, my brother is acting worse than his toddler, saying I can’t give away “his” dog, and he wants the dog back. I put the dog through extensive training so he is very well behaved now.

Frankly, I don’t think my brother has earned any consideration after he gave away the dog in the first place, but he is kicking up enough of a fuss that everyone in the family is weighing in. I have enough on my plate with my move. What do I do here other than tell everyone to shut up and shut it down.

VarunaTT

Nope. He bowed to his wife getting rid of it once, I'm not giving it to that same couple.

Her friend can adopt it.

Also, I'm side eyeing EVERYONE in this matter.  EVERYONE.  Pets aren't toys, FFS.

Casadena

Eh, I side much more toward the brother. I would have been terrified to have a large dog around a newborn even if i loved the dog and it was well trained. If they are willing to take it now, I think LW is just being petty about "he didn't pay for anything, etc etc" especially if bro/wife are done with kids. To me, it feels like they took the dog on assuming it would be temporary, but now is acting pretty high and mighty about it's welfare when they are more than happy to move and leave them behind. idk - maybe they all suck

VarunaTT

The fact that LW keeps calling it "the dog" makes me feel like they never really bonded with the dog, but at least they took what sounds like great care of it.  Giving it to their friend who hopefully has love for this animal that keeps being passed around to people who don't want to prioritize this other life in their household is the best decision.

I get feeling terrified, but boxers aren't always large (they're medium to large depending on parents and gender) and they're family dogs, even with no training.  Also, that's just part of living with a dog, sometimes you have to wrangle them into separate spaces because of the situation in front of you.  There are some situations where I really do understand that you have to give up a dog and break the lifetime commitment, but this doesn't meet that standard to me.

ETA:  another thought

banana468

Again, this is so much why I wish people put so much more thought into having an animal.  And plenty of people have dogs and babies.

I fully agree that the brother's say was gone once he got rid of the dog.  He made a choice here.  Seems like the LW didn't want the dog to go to a shelter but never fully bonded and hopefully a new owner will not be a problem for this animal.  

MyNameIsNot

VarunaTT said:

Nope. He bowed to his wife getting rid of it once, I'm not giving it to that same couple.

Her friend can adopt it.

Also, I'm side eyeing EVERYONE in this matter.  EVERYONE.  Pets aren't toys, FFS.

This! When you adopt an animal, you do so assuming you will need to care for it for its entire life. It's not an object that you pick up when you're in the mood. If the situation arises where you do have to rehome an animal, you make decisions with the animal's welfare first. 

I would place the dog with the friend and tell everyone else to MYOB. I have 0 confidence that brother would be fair to this dog, and you already know SIL doesn't like him. 

charlotte989875

I mean the LW is doing the same thing the brother did. Sure they both had “reasons” but LW is a hypocrite to be all judgmental about brother abandoning the dog when they’re doing the same thing. 

VarunaTT

@charlotte989875 I totally agree.  Like I said, I'm side-eyeing everyone here.  I honestly suspect that LW was guilted into taking the dog b/c "you have the yard and that way it stays in the family" and the consequences of that are playing out now.  I've seen a situation like this play out with exH and his family before (another reason I left and I'm so thankful not to be around his family dynamic anymore).  LW doesn't want and didn't bond with the dog, so the dog isn't a priority for this move.  If someone has actively stepped up and said "I want this dog", I think that someone could be an actual landing family for this dog, rather than just another stop on the merry-go-round this family has been putting it on.