Tell them to shove it

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My late husband and I got married very young. Sadly, he died two years into our marriage. Because of his career and cause of death, I get to keep his health benefits as a widow. This has been a silver lining—I had cancer and now have chronic immune system problems. His health benefits let me keep my head above water. Even when I couldn’t work and had to move in with my family, I could at least keep getting treatment. I’m in remission, but am still at high risk.

In 2021, I met “Manuel,” who was a widower. We now have a blended family with two wonderful tweens from his first marriage. But his extended family (his parents, his siblings) won’t stop picking at us about marriage. They’ve even told the kids, “If [letter writer] was really going to stay, she’d marry your dad.” Frankly, we wish we could get married! But we can’t afford to marry and lose my health care. We’ve talked it over in depth. I work part-time to work around my chronic illness, and my job doesn’t offer insurance. On his insurance, the healthcare costs would destroy us if I got cancer again. Even my regular medications would be spendy. How do we shut this down with family, but most importantly, how do I reassure our kids that I’m not going anywhere (unless cancer takes me out)? Marriage isn’t in the cards unless universal health care suddenly appears.

—Unmarried But Still Permanent

charlotte989875

Tell them to eff off. 

But also- if you want to and only if you want to- have a commitment ceremony. Have a party and a celebration. Don’t die but also why can’t you have a party and celebrate a commitment you’re making. Don’t do it for them. Don’t jeopardize your health benefits but also you could can mark the commitment and family if you want to. 

But also none of this is their business. 

banana468

Amazing that sometimes the most conservative pro-marriage people do not understand the costs....

MyNameIsNot

Tweens are old enough that you can explain the truth to them. Maybe not all the details about the money, but it's perfectly fine to explain to them that you are completely committed and sometimes family members like to insert their noses and stir up trouble for no reason. 

I was 12 when I learned that my very sweet but very gossipy grandma is going to tell everyone your business. It served me well in my teens to avoid sharing things with her that I didn't want the whole town to know. These kids would probably be well served to understand who their family members are. 

levioosa

Have a party. Call it a wedding. Walk down the aisle in a pretty dress (if all of that is something you'd enjoy). Go on a trip in a different county and then come back and tell your family "we eloped!" (who gives a shit if it's a lie). Just don't sign any legal paperwork (besides paperwork you should already have naming each other as beneficiaries, heath care proxy, etc). Or just tell the family to shove it, or tally up your medical costs and ask them how much they'd like to contribute monthly for the rest of your life.

The other day I was at lunch with my parents and two of their good family friends. Family friends were lamenting the fact that their son hadn't proposed to his gf of 9 years. I told them that getting married was financially the most ruinous thing we could have done. It's made us ineligible for benefits when times have been bad, it's impacted our taxes negatively, literally the cons far outweigh the pros now. We wish we had just done paperwork to protect each other without the marriage portion. They looked shocked. Sorry not sorry you have no idea what it's like to be coming of age in today's environment. 

ei34

Trulyyyy none of their business. If what you have works for you guys, keep doing it and push the negatively away. 

If you and your bf would like, I agree that a commitment ceremony or a celebration of love would be very nice. (Not for the haters’ sakes, but for yourselves.)