Yeah, you're in the wrong

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My husband is Black. I am white. For the past couple of years, we’ve been living on the family farm in the Midwest for a few months a year, to make sure the pipes don’t freeze, keep the vermin down, etc., before another family comes for the summer. My husband isn’t crazy about this arrangement (he’s a city kid, and the farm is in a rural, red area), but loves the family, and realizes we save hella money this way. For the record, we are both progressive politically, feminist, anti-racist, etc.

Well today, out of the blue, he said something that has me seriously considering divorce.

Unprompted, he described the farm (a medium sized white house and three acres, and never more than 120 acres at its max) as “the plantation.”

We have been married for over 30 years. I honestly thought I loved and could trust him. But this comment enraged me and felt like a nasty, deep playing of the race card in some primal, unforgivable way. I felt accused, disrespected, and smeared.

When called on it, he protested first that he genuinely thought the farmhouse was a plantation (because it’s “so big,” which it is not) and then that he had no idea the word “plantation” is associated with slavery. I call bull-puckey. My husband is well-read, well-educated, and savvy. He hooted when it was in the news that a big plantation house down South burned down a few months ago, as did I.

I want to leave him immediately. Am I overreacting?

—Not Scarlett O’Flipping Hara

banana468

If LW was thinking about this from the start what other underlying statements existed that they didn't see?  Because if it's this ONE and divorce is on the table I question a lot here. 

MyNameIsNot

Wut? You're putting your POC husband in a situation where he has to stay in a rural farmhouse in a place that may be dangerous for him in order to help out your side of the family and save money, but you're ready to leave the second he calls a spade a spade?

Methinks this is a lot more about avoiding coming to terms with the reality of history. A generational farm that was once 120 acres may not have been a massive southern plantation, but it probably also isn't as innocent as you'd like. 

ei34

Also, you can talk about you’ve been going for years and your H’s comment is “out of the blue”, but it’s not out of the blue. Being POC in America is at an all-time stress level thanks to the Cheeto and his cronies. Awful people are being emboldened like never before, and it’s getting worse. It’s probably not an innocent house in its entire history and your H is entitled to space from it (without you feeling disrespected and smeared and contemplating divorce). 

charlotte989875

This is a massive overreaction and should tell you that you need to sit down and think about why it bothers you so much. Is it hitting a little too close to home? Are you feeling guilty you’re knowingly asking your husband to live in an an environment that’s psychologically if not physically risky for him? 

This all seems to be about you. 

VarunaTT

Ha!  I 100% believe that she is anti-racist until it comes to her own heritage.  The white defense: my family didn't own slaves, my family were indentured servants, my family wasn't "white" when we came to America, my ancestors were the witches they burned, etc.  And putting divorce on the table over this?  Come TF on.

I lived in an old white farmhouse that was huge, had the front white pillars and everything, when I was in high school.  I was headed to an out of town show with friends, who also brought other friends.  One was a black man.  He refused to go in my house.  Even then, I was like...yeah, I get it.  IDK much about the history of the house, but I know what it looks like.  And let's be honest, what it was built to look like.

LW needs to really examine her feelings, see where they're coming from, and deal with them.  And she doesn't need to involve her husband in that journey.

short+sassy

She also doesn't talk about the context in which he called the house/property a plantation.  Was it something NBD like, "Let's start planning our move to the plantation house for the winter."

Girl, sorry.  Especially if your house is in a Georgian style of architecture, I'm sure lots of people would call it a plantation house even if it is modest-sized.  That doesn't mean they or your husband are besmirching your family.

If the property isn't used for farming anymore, it's not a plantation.  But I realize neither person is talking about the actual definition.

I understand a lot of people associate the word plantation with slavery, because that is what pre-Civil War Southerners called their farms.

But I grew up where the word "plantation" had a different context, so I just don't have as negative a reaction as other people do because I don't solely relate that word to the Old South and slavery.

A plantation is a specialized farm that primarily sells cash crops and often, but not always, a single crop.

If I hear the word "plantation" without any other context, the first thing I think of are the sugar cane plantations of Hawaii where my relatives worked for generations.  HI never had slavery.  It wasn't even a territory of the US until 1898.  But the sugar cane companies only grew a single cash crop.  That's why they were referred to as plantations, instead of farms.