Accept the $ and tune out the rest

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My parents preferred my siblings my whole life. I was never abused, but they just weren’t as interested in me. They said my school events were too boring, but went to every game my siblings played in. I had everything I needed at home; I never went without food or essentials. But I didn’t get much attention, and I never got focused on time together like my siblings did.
They gave me a small amount of help with college, but I also took out loans and got scholarships. Both my siblings got fully paid for undergraduate degrees. I got a $200 check to help me with my first home, while both siblings got fully covered 20 percent down payments. They prioritized my siblings emotionally and financially, and eventually, I accepted that it wasn’t changing.

I dealt with this through therapy, and building my own support network of friends. My husband and I are close with his parents. My dad passed away during the pandemic. My mom died suddenly a few months ago, and I’m still processing it. I really wish we could have been close, and knowing that the door is closed forever hurts. She hired a professional to manage her estate, and I assumed she would do in death what she did in life. I didn’t expect to receive much.

Instead, I’m apparently receiving 3/4 of her estate, and an apology. It’s not millions, but it is shocking and I don’t know what to think. My siblings, with whom I’ve had a vague, surface-level relationship as adults, are furious. My husband says it’s late but deserved, while my siblings say it’s selfish and clearly Mom wasn’t in her right mind. Meanwhile, I’m just sad that she didn’t act in life, and instead left me an apology after death. How do I handle this?

—Sad on the Seacoast

banana468

Maybe the larger issue is that the LW's parents had an odd old-school relationship and the mom never felt empowered to buck what dad said.

What I'd do - document the crap out of everything, take the $ and go.   What are your siblings going to do?  Make the surface relationship smaller?? 

They may try to sue the estate so don't spend it but don't divvy either. 

MyNameIsNot

Spend some of the inheritance on therapy to work through grieving the relationship that might have been with your parents. 

Go no contact with your siblings. 

charlotte989875

Get back to therapy but don’t give them any money. Maybe mom couldn’t doing life what she did in her death. Maybe she had a change of heart at the end. Whatever the reason it’s yours. Take it and take the time you need to process it all. 

downtondiva

Accept the money and resume/continue therapy. Your siblings got far more from your parents than you did while your parents were alive, so don't feel obligated to share any of the money with them, and don't be afraid to go entirely no-contact if you think that's what's best for you.

As @banana468 said, your siblings may try to sue, so have the contact info of an experienced wills and estates lawyer on hand. 

short+sassy

I'd calculate the big ticket item differences for them, like college and house down payments.  Include inflation for what that amount is worth in today's money.

That's probably at least $100K more (before inflation) each sibling got compared to the LW did AND received at crucial times in their lives.

That's a lot of money.  It's possible the siblings still came out ahead.  If they are fair and reasonable people, they will understand how much more they've received and feel better about it/mollified.  Which also would make them less likely to sue.  Or they're selfish jerks and won't care what's fair.  Wills/estate settlements do seem to bring the worst out in people.  

banana468

Right? Starting out without the need to pay a mortgage, interest on student loans or other investments is a big deal!! 

short+sassy

banana468 said:

Right? Starting out without the need to pay a mortgage, interest on student loans or other investments is a big deal!! 

They still needed to pay a mortgage.  The parents provided a 20% down payment.

Still huge!  That allowed the siblings to have some combination of a buying a bigger house and lower mortgage payments.  And probably being able to buy a house sooner than they would have been able to otherwise.  

knottie755073e022da9d56

It’s completely understandable to feel a mix of shock, sadness, and even guilt. Your mother’s estate and apology don’t erase the years you felt overlooked, but they are a reflection of her recognition too late. It’s okay to acknowledge your feelings without needing to justify them to your siblings. Setting boundaries and seeking support from your husband or trusted friends can help you navigate the tension. Allow yourself to grieve both the relationship you wanted and the emotions this unexpected inheritance brings. 

MesmrEwe

Siblings can go kick rocks with their opinions...  There is no justification needed by LW for accepting the terms of the Will/Estate and moving on with whatever is next.  A courtesy would be if LW decides to sell to offer fair market value if a sibling/niece/nephew wants to purchase as an official transaction with all necessary paperwork, but otherwise, do what is best for you and FI LW!!!  

(Side note...  Good lawd estate settlement is a royal PITELA - we're in the midst of one and it'd been easy for that family if the party hadn't gotten swindled by bogus "charities" of the money needed for estate settlement during the course of their mental decline...  Then add in how messed up estate law is when family business gets involved - just adding up farm implements crosses threshold without much effort let alone property and buildings..)...