Go and ignore him?

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I’m a woman in my 30s, and I grew up with a physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive dad. I have tried multiple times to repair the relationship, but I was always the only one doing the work, so I am no longer in contact with him. He had an affair, which I discovered in my teens, and he remains in a relationship with the same woman, but is not divorced from my mom, and financially has been unethical to the point that I cautioned my mom to get a lawyer. She seems to defer to him still despite his abuse and affairs, which is abhorrent in my eyes and comes up in my therapy sessions, as you can imagine. There are so many layers and reasons why he is an awful person that I will just end it there. I stay out of my dad’s relationships with my two younger siblings and my mom (who sees him when my sisters are involved) for my mental health.

My younger sister is getting married, and I know my dad will be invited to the big day and all other related events. I have my own husband and young kids now, and we decline events if my dad is involved, but I can’t imagine skipping my sister’s wedding. She has asked my daughters to be flower girls, and they are excited beyond belief, but I am worried about exposing them to my abusive, cheating, manipulative, alcoholic, narcissistic father. I am concerned he will attempt to spend time with them when I absolutely do not allow it, and I don’t want to spend the day anxious and watching my kids like a hawk. I can protect myself, and my husband is in my corner and can stand his own, but I am scared thinking of my kids having access to my dad. My eldest will be 9 by the time the event rolls around, my middle child 5, and my baby (whom he’s never met) 2. Do you have any advice on how to handle this scenario? I love my sister so much and want to enjoy celebrating her wedding with her and our family.

banana468

Can they be flower girls and then arrange for them to be picked up once the meal portion of the reception is over?  Long wedding receptions are boring for kids who are 2-9 unless they have play companions.  So a possible solution could be to arrange for them to fulfill their duties, eat the reception meal and dance a bit and then say that the time leftover is for the grow ups.   

By that point when conversations are often free flowing and the immediate family of the couple are often no longer involved in duties is when they'd be more likely to interact with your father.  And in the meantime be near them at all times to run interference. 

MyNameIsNot

I would probably just go to the ceremony and skip the reception. 

levioosa

banana468 said:

Can they be flower girls and then arrange for them to be picked up once the meal portion of the reception is over?  Long wedding receptions are boring for kids who are 2-9 unless they have play companions.  So a possible solution could be to arrange for them to fulfill their duties, eat the reception meal and dance a bit and then say that the time leftover is for the grow ups.   

By that point when conversations are often free flowing and the immediate family of the couple are often no longer involved in duties is when they'd be more likely to interact with your father.  And in the meantime be near them at all times to run interference. 

That was going to be my suggestion. 

short+sassy

banana468 said:

Can they be flower girls and then arrange for them to be picked up once the meal portion of the reception is over?  Long wedding receptions are boring for kids who are 2-9 unless they have play companions.  So a possible solution could be to arrange for them to fulfill their duties, eat the reception meal and dance a bit and then say that the time leftover is for the grow ups.   

By that point when conversations are often free flowing and the immediate family of the couple are often no longer involved in duties is when they'd be more likely to interact with your father.  And in the meantime be near them at all times to run interference. 

Adding on to this, it should be the husband who takes responsibility running any interference that might be needed and "watching the kids like a hawk".  If so and he's capable of basic parent stuff, the LW needs to let it go as much as she can so she can enjoy her sister's wedding.