Her choice, but you don't have to like it

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

Carrie and I have been friends for over 20 years, since college. Carrie has a bad habit of ghosting friends and partners when things get rough. Every three or four years when she is having issues, be it at work or in a relationship, she’ll change her phone number, her email, and even her address. She also has changed her profession many times (everything from graphic designer to pet store employee).

The problem is she never leaves me a forwarding address or way to stay in touch. The first time this happened I panicked and thought something awful had happened to her. I got in touch with her mom who told me she’d moved to a different city and eventually Carrie sent me an email and a heartfelt letter. The other times this happened I didn’t panic, but it’s still hurtful to suddenly discover my emails go unanswered or birthday cards are returned until Carrie remerges and contacts me.

Last month, Carrie broke up with her latest girlfriend, and I’m sure she’ll be going through the whole cycle again. Is there a way I can explain to Carrie that this behavior is not OK? When I’ve previously mentioned that she shouldn’t ghost me, she told me her mom would always put us in touch, but that doesn’t seem fair.

banana468

"Carrie I appreciate that you don't lose touch with your mom but when you do this please understand that this seems off and hard to maintain contact. Also, we're now middle aged!  It seems weird that I need to find out what you're doing from a senior citizen"

VarunaTT

IDK why you're expending energy on this person.  Let her ghost and let her go.

charlotte989875

This is strange behavior but you know this about her. Do you want to be friends knowing this is how it goes? 

ei34

charlotte989875 said:

This is strange behavior but you know this about her. Do you want to be friends knowing this is how it goes? 

Yup.  If you're not making a change you're making a choice.  If you want her in your life as a friend, you're going to have to choose that this is part of who she is at this point. (And I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here, it's a soul search for LW.)

mrsconn23

Carrie sounds like a scammer. Maybe you’re lucky she ghosts you. Let her go and maybe check your credit report just for peace of mind. 

MyNameIsNot

I don't think I could manage the hassle of changing my number, but I'd be so tempted to do that as soon as she ghosts. 

levioosa

Maybe Carrie is a scammer, maybe she needs therapy, but why are you trying this hard to hold onto someone who doesn't seem to care about the friendship in the same way? Is she self-sabotaging? Is she blowing everything up because she's one of those people who mines for sympathy (omg, is Carrie okay? I can't reach her! How can we get in touch!?). It doesn't sound like a healthy way to live, but that doesn't mean you have to be a part of it. 

To note, I'm also saying this under the assumption that Carrie isn't trying to escape some sort of an abusive past partner.