Her anger is not about you

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My sister “Candace” spent years cheating on her husband. I knew about it, but never said anything because I felt it wasn’t my place to interfere in her marriage. My 15-year-old niece , “Tamara” recently found out the truth when Candace left her phone on the kitchen counter and received a lurid text that Tamara saw. She then confronted her mother about it. She was so furious that she moved out to live with her dad. The problem is that my sister threw me under the bus by telling Tamara that I knew the entire time, but kept my mouth shut. Now my niece hates me because she thinks I should have told her dad about it. Was my approach of keeping silent about my sister’s infidelity the correct one to have taken?

banana468

Casadena said:

Dear Prudence,

My sister “Candace” spent years cheating on her husband. I knew about it, but never said anything because I felt it wasn’t my place to interfere in her marriage. My 15-year-old niece , “Tamara” recently found out the truth when Candace left her phone on the kitchen counter and received a lurid text that Tamara saw. She then confronted her mother about it. She was so furious that she moved out to live with her dad. The problem is that my sister threw me under the bus by telling Tamara that I knew the entire time, but kept my mouth shut. Now my niece hates me because she thinks I should have told her dad about it. Was my approach of keeping silent about my sister’s infidelity the correct one to have taken?

You won't get a ton of sympathy from me.   I'm not a big fan of stepping in where it's not your business but you knew and were complicit in it.  It's precedent setting for your niece that you'll take the side of the person who betrays trust over the person who thinks he's in a faithful marriage. 

MyNameIsNot

I don't think there is a black and white answer here. A lot of reasonable people would have told him and a lot of reasonable people would have opted to stay out of it.

Your niece is a kid. She can't see that there was no great option for you. Give it time. 

VarunaTT

I'm confused by the story, b/c it sounds like dad was already moved out...what did the parents say to the niece in the first place?

People's marriages are their own to manage.  I've been burned before and unless it was something that is an inherent danger to life, I stay out of it.  There's no way to not end up the villain in this story (even staying out of it made LW a villain).  Hopefully at some point, niece will mature and realize that nothing was LW's fault or story and mend bridges.  I'd allow her the space she needed and just hope she comes back around.

charlotte989875

I don’t think knowing about an affair and not telling the spouse makes someone complicit. Unless they’re actively lying for someone, helping them facilitate the cheating, or like buying hotel rooms for them. 

I think there’s no good answer for LW because someone told them about their own lies and bad behavior and then did nothing to change it. That’s not on LW but it does put them in a crappy position. I think the niece will eventually figure out her mom is the only person responsible for her behavior, but that’s probably going to take time.