Tell them if you're ready, or not at all

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I moved to a new state for retirement, and I’m trying to figure out when and how to disclose my messy personal history to new friends and dates. Right now, when new people make small talk, I say I moved here to be closer to my daughter’s family, since I’m single. This is true, but it’s not the full truth. I think this is fine for acquaintances and new friends and the first phase of dating. But as I settle in, there are now friends I’ve known for longer, and I’m wondering if I should share more with them.

If asked, I say I only have a daughter. But I actually disowned my son, “John,” when it was discovered that he was committing sex crimes against minors. My husband and I divorced over this: John privately admitted guilt, but my husband insisted he deserved a second chance and paid for a high-priced lawyer from our savings. John got off and is free to put other kids at risk. I don’t have words to describe the horror of this situation. My daughter invited me to stay with her for a few months, which then turned into me getting my own place because I loved it.

I’m grateful that I have her and her family. I have a part-time job, friends, hobbies, and a church. I switched to my maiden name after the divorce, so unless someone’s really nosy, they’re not going to immediately find things about my past. How and when do I tell people about this stuff? I haven’t dated anyone seriously enough for it, but at some point, should I say something to close friends?

VarunaTT

I would take this to my grave.  You don't have to share this with anyone if you don't want to.  I would probably tell any potential marriage person, but the timing of that would be a personal choice.

banana468

I'm not sure how much I'd divulge of this if you've truly washed your hands.

I don't know that you have to say that you disowned your son and divorced your H and why unless there's an inkling that they're possibly in your daughter's life simply because you two run in the same circles. 

MyNameIsNot

I would probably tell a new partner somewhere between engaged and married. Friends, probably never. Maybe a super close BFF after years of telling each other everything, but probably not. 

charlotte989875

MyNameIsNot said:

I would probably tell a new partner somewhere between engaged and married. Friends, probably never. Maybe a super close BFF after years of telling each other everything, but probably not. 

This is where I come down. Those closest to me? I’d find the right time. People who I’m casual friends with, even good friends? They don’t need to know.