Dear Prudence,
We live in a two-story townhome with a homeowners association. Our townhome is at the border of the HOA, so our back patio and two upstairs bedrooms are back to back with a couple of non-HOA single-story houses. There are very tall trees at the property border that provide ample visual privacy at the HOA border. But they do not block any sounds! In fact, I think many sounds get amplified in a canyon effect because of our two-story, block-like, stucco buildings.
Last year, the granddaughter of the couple in the non-HOA house closest to ours started living temporarily with her grandparents to attend college (I’ve heard too much of her life story when she talks loudly on the phone to her mother in their backyard). The back corner of their yard is maybe 20 to 25 feet from our back patio. Every day, at least twice a day, from what I am aware of, the granddaughter goes to the back corner of their property closest to us, I think behind a shed on their property, and pukes loudly. She probably has no idea how easily the sound carries, and we live in a coastal California area where we have our windows open nearly year-round (and no air conditioning). I have emetophobia, and other people puking is triggering for me. My husband has always had to be the one to help our daughters when they get sick and vomit. We learned the hard way early on that I start puking if I try to be with them, hold their hair, or clean up after the fact.
While the sound of the neighbor gagging and retching twice daily (early morning and late at night) isn’t enough to send me running to puke, it’s very unpleasant for me. And I think if she knew that at least three sets of neighbors could hear her, she would find a different way to do this. I want to let her know, but how do I handle this tactfully and compassionately? I’ve debated trying to tell her grandmother, because while it’s highly annoying for me, this is clearly not a healthy behavior of the granddaughter’s. But it’s also not my business why she’s doing it! (I don’t know the grandparents—I’ve met the grandfather once when they were having a tree trimmed at the property line. Seemed nice enough.) Selfishly, I just want it to stop. I don’t need to get involved with why she is doing it and what kind of help she needs, or maybe is even already getting for what seems like bulimia.
I’ve debated knocking on the door when I think she’s home and asking to talk to her away from her grandparents. I’d start off by saying I am the neighbor and wanted to let her know that the sound really carries straight to my bedroom window, especially from their back fence line. And that I hear her going to the back corner at least twice a day. I debate whether I should start or end by asking her if she is OK and getting any support for this. I have never had an eating disorder myself, but I am aware it is often complex and not likely something she can just stop. I’m sure she will just do it somewhere else or learn to be quieter about it, and that is the part that tears at my conscience—her getting better at hiding it instead of getting help! If I tell her grandmother, she might intervene to help treat the problem (while also giving me peace from puking). But is that even my responsibility?
—Seeking Peace from Puking