DO NOT ENTERTAIN THIS

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

After more than 30 years together, my now-ex told me he had a longstanding interest in another woman. He claimed he’d never cheated, but wanted my blessing to pursue her and stay married to me. He said I couldn’t handle being single in my 50s. Well, I filed for divorce, and he pushed back. Our divorce was emotionally horrible, but I’m luckier than I could be. I’m a teacher, so I’m not rich, but I’ll have a pension and health coverage. He was a much higher earner with a better lawyer so he got the house and most assets. But I recently inherited my mom’s one-bed condo, so I didn’t have to give up my city or find a new career. Our adult kids didn’t take it well, and still are sad about “not being a family anymore,” and believe there’s equal blame. He remarried within two months, while I’m still single three years later. There are younger guys who are fun for a night, but I still haven’t met age-appropriate relationship material. I try not to be bitter but I am. I’m lucky to have friends, career, kids and hobbies. I try to stay focused on that.

Now, apparently, he and his wife suffered from a major health event last year. They are hoping for a payout from a lawsuit and filing for SSI, but will both not be able to work and will require some care at home. They re-mortgaged the house at some point and now can’t afford the combination of payments, taxes, and being unemployed with medical needs. So here we go…

They went to her son and my two kids to ask for housing and care help. All the kids are scraping by with roommates and student loans so they said no. But now my ex is asking ME to take him and his wife in “just until they get the lawsuit money.”

I know that day might never come, I hate him, and selfishly I don’t want him to get the “two women, one household” dream he had pre-divorce. To prevent my life from becoming some type of Ethan Frome nightmare, I gave a firm no. Then when he pushed, I blocked him. But now I’m getting nearly constant pressure from my kids. He got nearly 70 percent of our assets in the divorce, I don’t even understand how he’s in this situation. I don’t have much to share if I wanted to! I don’t want them to live in the street but I would like to never think about them again, if possible. How do I close this topic forever?

VarunaTT

Tell your kids to STFU, that's how.  WHAT?!?  Absolutely effin' not.  Block them too if it's going to be such an issue, until they can learn how to behave.

banana468

Does the medical system in this country suck?  Yes.

Is this your problem?  Absolutely NOT. 

charlotte989875

Honestly- I know you should keep your relationship details private from your kids. But in this case- they are adult, who can handle the high levels (he asked to see his now wife while you were married and you weren’t on board, tell them he got the house and assets) and to please stop asking you to take them in. 

VarunaTT

Also, LW needs to get into some therapy.  She is being really harsh with herself and feeling guilty over absolutely valid and  normal feelings and boundaries.

I'm mad for her.

levioosa

Ew fuck this guy. Also fuck these kids for the guilt tripping. You are grown ass adults. If you want to help out dad so much go get a second job and move them into your place. It is not your poor mom's responsibility. You made your bed dude, now lie in it. 

short+sassy

None of this makes any sense.  The LW is living in a ONE bedroom condo!  Where exactly do the kids think her ex and his new wife are going to live in the condo?  Especially in their frail conditions.  The living room?  Or is she supposed to also give up her bedroom?

And you know the ex and his wife are going to expect her to be their nursemaid also.  Hell to the no, on ALL of that.

It sounds like their kids are adults, but still young.  They won't see how ridiculous they're being yet, but they will understand someday.  I know it's hard for the LW right now, but she needs to tell her kids the subject is closed and she won't tolerate them pestering her about it anymore.

Surely the kids already know that their dad left her for another woman?  After all, he got remarried only two months after the divorce was final.  Offering her a chance to be a "sister wife" WAS leaving her.  It might have been his plan all along so she looked like the one who left him.  They need to at least know this part of the story, if they don't already.  I can't fathom why they would be on the dad's side at all.