She is not being rude

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I am an older woman who has lived in the same apartment building for almost 30 years. There are many long-term tenants, and I pride myself on being the grandmother of sorts of the building who looks out for everyone.

A few months ago, a 20-something couple moved into the apartment next door, and I treated them with the kindness that I treat everyone else in the building—asking them how they’re doing, bringing them leftovers, taking their packages inside so they don’t get stolen, etc. I frequently sit outside my apartment and greet them as they come in and out, as neighbors do. The girl is frequently on the phone and might give a cursory wave, but I didn’t think much of it until recently, when she was on the phone entering her apartment. I yelled to get her attention so I could give her an urgent message from our landlord, and when she told the person on the other end to wait so she could talk to me, I was shocked when her phone actually RANG. I realized quickly what was going on—she was pretending to be on the phone!

As tempted as I was to say something, she seemed very embarrassed (as she should!), so I just told her what I needed to and she scurried inside. I’m realizing that the other times she was “on the phone,” they were also fake calls to deter me from having a conversation with her. Since then, I have stopped taking their packages in and doing the other nice things I used to do for them, because clearly they (or at least she) don’t appreciate it. The last few times I have seen her, she has quickly said hi, but I have just iced her out.

Prudie, I’m torn. I don’t want to be petty, but I’m still shocked that someone would treat their neighbor like this, especially after how kind I have been to them. I’m considering writing her a letter about what she did and how she could reflect on this behavior, so at least it could be a learning opportunity for her. I have kids and grandkids who would never do anything like this, and I try to consider that other people are not as lucky to have been taught good values growing up. Should I take the high road and do this so she can learn something from this? Or should I just move on and feel grateful for all my other neighbors who are actually neighborly?

—Phone Fracas

ei34

In a perfect world, everyone should be able to make quick eye contact and give a quick smile and share a cursory "hi/good morning/etc" on the go.  Emphasis on quick here.  And LW, you're probably not being quick. 
The landlord has a way of delivering messages, it is not your job.  Your neighbor is allowed to go about her day without stopping for a conversation, questioning her upbringing and values for this is wild.  

levioosa

I was this neighbor. Our old next door neighbors (who have since both passed) were very sweet and nice people, but I knew if we started talking that was a conversation I was committed to for at least 20-30 minutes. Which was literally the last thing I felt like doing after coming home exhausted from work. So sometimes I would just sit in my car and scroll on my phone or listen to music if I came home and she was getting the mail or doing a quick watering around the yard. We were good neighbors to them, but sometimes I simply did not have the bandwidth for a well meaning but exhausting conversation. 

Writing a letter questioning her upbringing is wild. 

VarunaTT

Wooooooooow.  Based on what LW has said in this letter, I'm 100% convinced she's a Beastberry (Threads story) and either doesn't realize it or is lying.

Not everyone has to like you, LW.  Not everyone wants to talk to their neighbors.  It's fine not to do the stuff you've been doing, but taking it farther is just...wrong.  Don't do it.  

banana468

Patti Simcox, you may need to dial it back.

This person may also be like my husband who wants to spend the rest of his life with me but when he gets home, he also wants to talk to me the least.   

Not wanting to talk to you as soon as people get home is not a behavior that warrants changing.  Consider your years and how people appreciate being approached and know there isn't a one-size-fits-all solution here. 

charlotte989875

This is a pretty extreme reaction. Maybe she doesn’t like small talk, maybe she was in a hurry, maybe after a long day she’s just had enough. 

Whatever the reason she’s not being rude. But you are by “icing her out” and ignoring her. Stop being petty because we didn’t get the reaction you wanted to something you are actively choosing to do that is in no way required. 

flantastic

LOL neighborhood "grandma" doesn't realize that not everyone wants a neighborhood grandma. This is their home. They don't have to socialize with you because they pay rent here. It doesn't reflect on their upbringing.

And yeah the fact that she spiraled to "letter about how the way you approach the world is wrong" immediately tells me she's not as fun to chat with as she thinks she is. I know someone well who has difficulty realizing that there are valid ways to approach the world beyond however she would do it.

MyNameIsNot

You are not the building grandmother, LW, you are the busy body. 

I suspect this woman is not the only one who dreads having to interact, but she's the one who fakes it the least well. 

banana468

MyNameIsNot said:

You are not the building grandmother, LW, you are the busy body. 

I suspect this woman is not the only one who dreads having to interact, but she's the one who fakes it the least well. 

RIght - she's Gladys Kravitz.

Am I really old?? 

Casadena

I cant even begin to describe how annoyed I'd be if people were moving my packages and bringing me LEFTOVERS?! (ew) and laying in wait outside my apartment to yell at me as soon as I walk in the door. 

I would have done the same as the girl but probably thought quicker on my feet to say "oops, the other line is ringing! - Hi Gladys" then walk in my apt. This woman is obnoxious AF and frankly probably scaring the young couple. I'd be worried LW was unstable and obsessed with us in an unhealthy way (stalker-y vibes). 

banana468

Right!  It's one thing if your leftovers are cookies but if it's like....last night's lasagna it can be really weird when you're just giving it away.

short+sassy

Casadena said:

I cant even begin to describe how annoyed I'd be if people were moving my packages and bringing me LEFTOVERS?! (ew) and laying in wait outside my apartment to yell at me as soon as I walk in the door. 

I would have done the same as the girl but probably thought quicker on my feet to say "oops, the other line is ringing! - Hi Gladys" then walk in my apt. This woman is obnoxious AF and frankly probably scaring the young couple. I'd be worried LW was unstable and obsessed with us in an unhealthy way (stalker-y vibes). 

I actually love this, but when it has been "established" or permission is asked first.  It is too presumptive, otherwise.  The tenants who share my personal duplex and I, do this all the time.  If we don't think the other person is home, we'll text each other and ask if they want us to bring the package in.  We both appreciate it.  We're fortunate we don't have too many problems with porch pirates in our neighborhood, but it still happens occasionally.

Unfortunately, the LW is not recognizing how over the top she is.  Instead of butting even more into her neighbor's life with a rude letter, she should reflect on WHY the neighbor pretends to be on her phone when she gets home.

I'd be really annoyed if someone interrupted my phone call or even my texting to command my attention for something trivial.  Anything supposedly "urgent" from the landlord should already be in the neighbor's e-mail/text/voicemail.    It would be rare to never that the landlord spreads urgent information via other tenants.  

Casadena

for sure @short+sassy! We do this back and forth with neighbors all the time, but only when we ASK. Or we offer if they're going to be out of town or something. But to just grab stuff and move it under the guise of "i'm the grandma and take care of everyone" is just weird.