I would die on this hill personally

Casadena

I recently discovered what I still can’t believe: My in-laws have been allowing our 15-year-old son, “David,” to drink beer at their house. Apparently, this has been going on for months!

The worst part? My husband, “Walter,” thinks it’s no big deal. He even admitted that his parents let him do the same thing at David’s age! His excuse is that it’s “just one beer with dinner” and they’re not letting him get drunk—so it’s fine.

I disagree entirely. I told my in-laws that David—and his younger brother—will not be visiting them for the foreseeable future. Now Walter, his parents, and even David are ganging up on me, claiming I’m overreacting.

David is about to get his driver’s license within the year, and I am terrified of what could happen if he’s ever pulled over with alcohol on his breath—or worse, how it might impair his judgment while driving.

What are my options here?

—My Teen Should Be a Teetotaler

banana468

You and your H have a major impasse here.  

Also, if you two own your home good luck keeping it if your child was in an accident and impaired.

Unless we're talking about a country where this is legal (and I assume we are talking about the US) I would not only die on this hill but I would have major issues with trust  given that your ILs broke the law and saw it as NBD. 

short+sassy

They don't say in the letter if the grandparents knew this was a rule or not.  Since it wasn't a big deal to the H, I suspect it was just never discussed either way.  I still think the grandparents should have asked but can also understand why they may not have thought of it.

If that is the case, I think the LW is overreacting as long as the grandparents have agreed they won't allow him to drink in their house anymore.  But if they refused to do that or she doesn't trust they will comply, then it does make sense she doesn't want her sons going there alone.

It's illegal for people under 21 to buy or be sold alcohol in the US.  But it's not illegal for them to drink alcohol in their parent/guardian's home.  That technically may not include the grandparents but is in the spirit of those laws.

I also think the LW is making a big deal out of not much, BUT she's the parent and it's an important enough value for her that she gets to dictate this.  I realize the father doesn't have an issue with it but, even though I agree with him, I still think it's important enough to be a "two yeses or it's a no" situation.

banana468

My concern with it is that something like this should be with the parents' consent.

If it had the H's consent and mom was none the wiser then the issue the LW has is with the H.  But IMO if this isn't a KNOWN family cultural thing that the LW should have expected then LW should have been asked.

I say this as someone who did drink underage and has an almost 15 yo of my own.  We have compounding issues (Chiquita has elevated liver enzymes that are either hereditary (DH does as well) or are due to her own issues) so I have a heightened concern to watch what her bloodwork looks like every month.  But without it, it's imperative that there is an understanding of what is and is not appropriate.

And if the kid isn't living with the grandparents then I think it can be a very slippery legal slope about how the alcohol is provided if there is anything smelled.  When you're underage the smell can be enough to warrant a breathalyzer vs. showing signs of impairment.   And that would be enough to make me frustrated if my child did something like have a beer at Sunday dinner and then went to a place with friends with possible beer on breath.

Casadena

I could totally see my IL's doing this, in part because they know I would not be ok with it - and if they didn't know they purposefully wouldn't check because they want to do whatever they want anyway. (There's issues there obviously, H and I are on the same page about this stuff thankfully). But they're manipulative and willfully ignorant and would act hurt and outraged if we had a problem with it. 

Bottom line though, regardless of whether or not the parents are ok with it - this is absolutely not something that you do without checking with them first. The overstep is the more outrageous part, imo.