Feels pretty predictable?

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I’m having an ethical dilemma. I am a 40-year-old male in an open relationship (ethical non-monogamy); my wife has a very low sex drive and mine is quite high, so early into our marriage of 15 years, she suggested an open relationship with a few rules (don’t get someone pregnant, don’t get an STD, not at home, and she doesn’t want to know who, etc.), which I agreed to. I don’t often wander into this, but I appreciate the focus it brings to my work and life.

Well, an out-of-state friend, “Sharon,” whom I have known for over 10 years and whom I consider a dear friend, found out about my situation over an evening of cocktails and we ended up in bed together. Afterwards, we agreed that when I am in town for work, we would hook up. That may have been a mistake…

She is also married but without an open arrangement like mine and with two kids. I typically don’t ask questions beyond making sure my hookups are consensual, since it’s none of my business, but since that first encounter, she insists on hidden communication between us using privacy apps like WhatsApp, and she is clearly having more of an affair than a one-time thing. The other problem is that we are both really starting to feel something for each other. Her marriage is not the best and mine has been strained, and it’s hard to deny our obvious connection.

We message daily and while most of it is harmless flirtation and within the rhythm of our friendship, there is definitely an emotional connection here which is a definite first for me. I suspect Sharon feels the same way, but this is fairly new and we haven’t addressed it yet. I think I need to pull back from this as it doesn’t feel quite right: However, I don’t want to lose this friendship and really value Sharon’s companionship. I really like her but I feel like I’m barreling towards the point of no return and truthfully, I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. (Did I mention that I really like her?) Maybe this is a sign and I need to end my marriage to pursue this? Or am I wanting too much here?

I am so confused and emotionally twisted up. I haven’t felt like this in decades (both the good feelings and the bad ones). I tried talking to my wife about this but she wanted nothing to do with the conversation, stating that she “doesn’t want to know and it’s up to me to solve my own issues relating to this agreement.” My wife is a truly wonderful person and I care a lot about her … but not like this. I also find myself without a friend or confidant to get advice from.

—Between a Rock and a Hard Place

banana468

Yeah - there's so much to this that's not good and it really starts that you're not as ethical as you think you are. 

charlotte989875

“Oh look it’s the consequences of my own actions.”

short+sassy

This is a violation of his agreement with his wife and he knows it.  He needs to stop all communication with Sharon.

He should ask himself "If it wasn't for Sharon, would he be thinking about ending his marriage?"  I suspect the answer is "no".

For Sharon and him to really be together, they would both need to end their marriages and it doesn't seem like either one of them feel solid about doing that.  Then there is also the fact they don't even live near each other.  So now it would be a long-distance relationship that started from two people cheating on their spouses.  They couldn't trust each other under those circumstances. 

MyNameIsNot

So in all this conversation about ethical monogamy and setting the rules, you never had a theoretical conversation about catching feelings for another person? Because I call bullshit. That's always something that comes up. 

banana468

MyNameIsNot said:

So in all this conversation about ethical monogamy and setting the rules, you never had a theoretical conversation about catching feelings for another person? Because I call bullshit. That's always something that comes up. 

Yeah.  I'm not on board with it (monogamist here) but I can at least get more on board with the idea of polyamory where you know you have feelings for the other person.

CharmedPam

banana468 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

So in all this conversation about ethical monogamy and setting the rules, you never had a theoretical conversation about catching feelings for another person? Because I call bullshit. That's always something that comes up. 

Yeah.  I'm not on board with it (monogamist here) but I can at least get more on board with the idea of polyamory where you know you have feelings for the other person.

I never thought of it this way, and I agree.  I watch seeking sister wives and they all seem on board with relationships. But an ethical non monogamous relationship would always have me in fear of my partner catching feelings like LW did and leaving me.   

ei34

I love your title @Casaden Less than halfway through the letter I knew how it was ending. I couldn’t imagine not developing feelings for someone I was sleeping with regularly. (Not to make it about myself. I couldn’t have sex with someone I didn’t care about beforehand. Much less stave off feelings once we started. I know that there are people who can separate the physical and the emotional.)