HAve you visited them?

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

After 18 years, I had a fairly large end to my career, but still managed to stay in the completely insular friend group I was a part of. That stopped when I moved to a nearby, very liberal city approximately 45 minutes away from where we all lived. I moved 13 years ago. I have had ups and downs, and my friends haven’t been to my house in a decade. They “hate the city.” I stopped driving to see them after the pandemic.

Despite this, I love these people and know them like the back of my hand. I thought they knew me. I just congratulated someone on a first grandbaby and got accused by text, some of it in all caps, of cutting everyone off. Well, I didn’t do that. I missed several parties, retirements, and funerals when I probably should have been there. I didn’t have the mental energy, gas, or time off. I’m in a better place now. I’ve bought cards to send to three close friends, explaining that I’m sorry I wasn’t there, but they can contact me at my number. Should I send the cards or let this go?

banana468

I don't think you know them as well as you did.  And did you not keep in touch?   Rather than the cards, can you pick up the phone and talk about where you were mentally/emotionally in the last 5 years? 

short+sassy

Normally I think of cards as being nice and thoughtful.  But for this situation, the LW is just proving their point.  Cards would feel "hands off" and then she's telling them to call her, instead of her just calling them to reach out.

It sounds like everyone has played a part in the emotional distance.  The friends were selfish to rarely visit, even though they are all still fairly close.  I can understand why that would make the LW less motivated to visit them.  But now the result is they haven't seen each other in person for five years.  The LW has also purposely missed important events where it makes sense the location would be where they previously lived.

The LW needs to think about what they want.  If no one wants to drive to each other, it's going to stay a more superficial friendship and that's fine.  It happens.  The LW could probably step up keeping in touch and keep the friendship going as best they can that way.  Reevaluate again if the friends aren't making a similar effort to keep in touch.