This is sad, but you cannot ask him

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I am a mother of three children. “Jamie” (36) and “Patrick” (38) are children from my second marriage. “Elise” (45) is developmentally disabled. Her father and I divorced when she was 2 years old. When Patrick turned 19, he moved out of the house. He felt we had never paid attention to his needs, even though we cared for him. He grew distant and has not maintained contact with me, although he keeps in touch with Jamie.

Recently, I’ve been dealing with health issues and have been worried about who will take care of Elise when I pass away. Even though Jamie and I have discussed Elise’s care for years, two months ago, when I began to seriously talk to her about guardianship and other details, she told me that she couldn’t be responsible for Elise. Jamie told me that she is getting married and plans to start a family. Caring for Elise would be impossible for her if she had a small child.

Elise’s biological father is deceased, and he never provided financial support for Elise. My second husband also passed away a few years ago. I’m not in a very good financial position, so I can’t leave behind a trust for Elise. However, I am aware that Patrick is doing very well. He even paid for Jamie to go with him on vacation last year and sent her fancy presents for her birthday and Christmas. I want to appeal to Peter for assistance. Ideally, it would be a trust so that someone could care for Elise. I know he has the money, and she is his half-sister.

I brought this idea up with Jamie. Since they talk regularly, she could bring it up with him. However, Jamie refuses to do this. She says it might damage her relationship with her brother. I am desperate. Do you think there’s an argument I could make to make this happen?

—Worried Mother

charlotte989875

You need to talk to a financial planner, a social worker, and someone from social security/medicaid to understand how what resources will be available for Elise now, and when you’re gone. There is never going to be enough support or resources available but you need to start looking into this now. It’s not on your other children to figure this out. 

banana468

No.  You cannot ask him.

Regardless of what the real truth is, Patrick is the 2nd oldest and with a 7 year gap between him and Elise he feels that his childhood wants were put aside for his sister.

You will need to reconcile with him but the other reality is that you need to be talking to attorneys about what needs to happen for the care of your daughter.