Don't beat yourself up

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I have the classic she’s lovely, but… question. My mother-in-law is wonderful, adores my children, and is a dedicated and loving presence for them. My husband is her only child. She is aging, eccentric, and as my teen says, “extra.” She adds many great things to our lives, but she honestly is a big source of stress and tension for my husband and myself (his father is deceased). When she is stressing me out, I think about how much simpler my life will be once she dies. And I feel bad about this!

As much as my husband finds his mother stressful, he will be devastated when she’s gone, and so will my children (not to mention myself!). However, I just keep coming back to these thoughts about her dying and the burden of caring for her being finished. We both work full-time and have four kids, so our lives are busy. She lives independently, but relies on us for emotional fulfilment and all other types of familial obligations. How can I get these dark thoughts of my children’s beloved grandmother out of my head?

banana468

Well, focus on the now.  I can also sympathize being full on in the sandwich generation that it can just feel draining.  Instead, work to focus on the positive.

charlotte989875

Do you know you’ll have to take care of her or take her in? What are the plans? Maybe a real conversation about what it will look like can ease some of the worry.

But also intrusive thoughts are actions and they are a reflection of your real feelings. It doesn’t mean you hate her or you’re hoping she licks it tomorrow. If you’re bothered more by the thoughts than the actual situation of her maybe living with you, try reminding yourself this isn’t a reflection of how you really feel and try and let it move out of your head. 

short+sassy

The LW should remind herself of the positive her MIL brings to their lives to counter when she has those negative thoughts.

But she also shouldn't feel guilty about having those thoughts.  They're normal and part of the LW's coping mechanism to deal with the stress and tension the MIL brings.  She knows she isn't really wishing for her death and they aren't causing her to treat her MIL poorly.  

VarunaTT

I live with intrusive thoughts.  The only way around them is to accept that it's BS your brain delivers up.  Accept them, know that they're not an accurate reflection of your behavior/morals, and repeat.

MyNameIsNot

This is so, so normal. It's ok to have a sense of relief when a source of stress is gone, even if you love the cause of the stress. It doesn't mean you hate her or are hoping for her death. 

Forgive yourself.