Tough all around

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My mother thought it would be a wonderful idea to give my daughter a very valuable family heirloom—and she didn’t listen to my warnings.

My daughter has been struggling with addiction issues for several years. Inevitably, my daughter lapsed and sold the heirloom to buy drugs, which very nearly killed her.

My mother is shocked, angry, and defensive. She insists that she’s been wronged and can’t understand why her decision to ignore my advice to make a gesture put my daughter at risk. In all the drama, she’s refusing to speak to my daughter; insisting that I come for Thanksgiving and Christmas, where my adult child will be unwelcome; demanding apologies; and relentlessly calling friends and family to declare her victimhood.

I’ve tried repeatedly to get her to come to an Al-Anon meeting so she can better understand addiction, but she refuses. I’m not sure I can put up with her right now, and I want to put her on hold for a few months while I deal with the fallout of my daughter’s lapse, which includes hospital bills and legal issues. Can I do that in a way that still leaves the door open for discussion and reconciliation?

banana468

"Mom, I completely understand that you are upset that your gesture of giving her this family heirloom fed her addiction disease.  However you seem more upset by how the heirloom was sold than how the addiction is taking its toll on your grandchild and her life.  I want to see you for the holidays but if the focus is on how you were wronged only then this is going to be a non-starter for me.  If you want to pursue this anger in a setting with skilled people who have also gone through things similarly I'm happy to take you to the next Al-Anon meeting." 

levioosa

It's easier to focus on an heirloom than it is to focus on the addiction causing the harm. 

VarunaTT

It is not LW's job to manage her mother's emotions.  She's already explained this at least once, and probably more.  Take the break she needs/wants and just say "I can't attend" if she wants to leave the door open for later.  Her mother isn't willing to listen/hear/learn right now and LW doesn't have the capacity to keep trying to push past the wall.  That's okay.