Dear Prudence,
My girlfriend of going on six years and I have very different communication styles when it comes to emotions. If she is upset about something, she will close herself off, and I have to push to find out what’s wrong, even when she’s upset about something I did that I would readily apologize and make amends for if I knew it hurt her.
When I know what’s going on, I put a lot of effort into talking her through it (I’ve asked if she finds this annoying, but she says it’s helpful). When I’m upset, I want to talk about what’s wrong in the same way, but when I try to engage her in conversation at these moments, I get either literal silence or a three-word response. Outside of our respective emotional crises, when I try to talk about conflicts in the relationship, sex, or other sensitive topics, it feels like pulling teeth to get her to actually talk back instead of just silently listening to me.
We were raised by parents with vastly different norms around feelings and communication, and I know I can’t expect to mold her to my style, but I also feel like there’s a huge imbalance, and it’s leaving me emotionally unfulfilled. I have told her this many times, but nothing has substantively changed. I love her and I want to get married soon. Outside of this context, we have a near-perfect relationship, with lively, deep, intellectual, and balanced conversations (that was what attracted me to her in the first place!). But I’m worried that if the emotional communication status quo continues, it will either become a dealbreaker for me or my frustration will sour the relationship. Am I being unreasonable? If not, how do I get through to her?