Keep saying no!

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I am retired and helped raise my daughter’s two girls who are now teenagers. I thought I would be able to handle my 3-year-old grandson when my son and daughter-in-law moved here.

Well, I can’t. He is an impossibly loud, active, and fast little boy. He has no concept of an indoor voice and shouts in every conversation and at every adult that interacts with him. I can’t even go grocery shopping because he will yell at employees that he wants a sticker or a snack or screech how he is a dinosaur today or attempt to kill himself trying to get out of the cart. It is a constant fight to get him in and out of his car seat. At home, not even watching Sesame Street gets me a respite. I am exhausted. His energy levels never go down, and he refuses to go down for naps. More than one person has suggested that he get tested for ADHD.

I am afraid to bring it up to my son and daughter-in-law. My DIL, in particular, is very thin skinned and prickly. I tried to tell them I needed to cut back on babysitting because I couldn’t handle my grandson, and she snapped and accused me of lying—I watched my granddaughters so it was only fair I watched my grandson. I was much younger then and my granddaughters were easy, quiet little girls. I love my grandson, but I can’t keep this up anymore. What do I do here?

charlotte989875

Ah I see you are discovering the difference between toddler girls and toddler boys?* 

Three year old boys believe they are dinosaurs. They believe they need to fly everywhere like a pteranodon. They believe the floor is lava and you will die if you touch the floor. They believe stickers are beautiful and want them on everything.

Yes- kids need to learn about indoor voices (we call them library voices) and looking where we’re running especially in public, and that we have to look out for other people. 

Keep saying no but this sounds like normal highly active kid energy- they need movement and activity not medication. It’s totally fine babysitting like this isn’t for you, but it doesn’t mean the kid has ADHD either. 

MyNameIsNot

You need to have a conversation directly with your son. If you think it will be easier, blame it on your age instead of the kid being an unruly pain in the ass. But either way, it needs to be clear that you will not be watching him anymore, period. 

levioosa

Maybe kid is actually insane, or maybe you're just older and your tolerance is much lower for it now. I do think the optics of helping with one person's kids and not another's can be a sticky situation. I can also sense the judgment both about the kid, and about the DIL. I love my grandparents, but there was some reeaaaaallll favoritism between the girls and the boys. And yes, my brother did have unmedicated ADHD, but that doesn't change the fact that the way he was treated by Grandpa had some lasting emotional effects on him as an adult. You are already treating this child like they are a burden. They will absolutely pick up on that. You are over a decade older now. Lean into that as a way to explain why you won't be able to be the same level of support. Offer to help if they need something special (date night once a month, a rare last minute daycare pick up, etc) but don't place blame on a three year old who is probably just generally acting like a three year old (my nickname was Hurricane as a toddler). 

short+sassy

I also think the LW needs to focus a lot more on their own age and lower energy levels than on their grandson's behavior.  Because that is definitely a factor also and a reason that doesn't blame their grandson as to why it is different now.

It would be a big mistake and anger his son/DIL further if they mention ADHD, at least at this point in time.  This person should have done a 30-second Google search, like I just did, instead of listening to random people.  The grandson is too young for an ADHD assessment.  The minimum age is 4 and six symptoms need to be identified.  I doubt the LW has ever looked up other ADHD symptoms.

Kids can be "too hyper for grandparents", without it being a serious and complex medical condition, smh.

ei34

I read the LW as a grandmother @short+sassy, just bc I don't think a man would be as expected to help out with childcare as a woman, but it could definitely be either.  

Yeah, 3 is too young for an ADHD eval.  The behavior doesn't sound abnormal for a 3-yr-old boy.  DS is the quiet, kind of gentle friend in his group and even he was a lot more than the DDs at that age.  Developmental peds really only do ASD evals at that age.  

My mom helped my middle sister and me with childcare here and there (neither full time) when our kids were small, years ago.  She did get roped into helping my youngest sister with her kids full time last year, but complained a lot to me that it wasn't the full-time as much as that it was that she was 65 and not in her 50s.  Being ten years older is a huge part of it for LW.  If they want to maintain a strong relationship with son and DIL, I'd lean into age more than the behavior of their child (oh, and reducing judginess towards DIL would help too).  

banana468

I didn't see the gender of the grandparent but I get more of a feeling that it's another grandmother finding fault with her son's choice in partner.

Maybe there is truth here or maybe the issue is that it's a combination of age and a demanding activity level.  

LW can absolutely say no but the time is now to stop blaming the parents and looking at a toddler as if something is WRONG when the reality is that some kids are more active than others.

I watch my MIL do this and want to say, "Do you understand why you're welcome at that house only annually??" 

short+sassy

@ei34 and @banana468, I could have SWORN the LW specifically mentioned being a grandfather, lol.  But I reread the letter and they don't.

I changed the pronouns in my post to be gender neutral.

ei34

No, leave it!  I mentioned reading the letter from a grandmother anecdotally.  Who knows the LW's identity?!