Your support will be invaluable when this crashes

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My good friend is about to get married, and I think she is making a huge mistake. She is young, beautiful and successful, and her fiancé is more than twice her age, six times divorced, has several children ranging from preschool age to adult age, and doesn’t have a relationship with any of them. He’s also unemployed, broke, and was couch-surfing when they met only eight months ago. She wants to start trying for children immediately after the wedding.

Beyond just being a loser, I also think he is an abuser. I spent 10 years in an abusive marriage and I know the signs. He is love-bombing her, and I can already see the subtle signs of abuse beginning. He’s a very smooth talker, and I think it’s telling that he was able to convince six women to marry him, and they all left.

I’ve been open about my concerns since the beginning, but he has an excuse for everything, and she explains it all away. I’ve begged her to at least give it more time before they get married, but she is certain that he’s “the one” and wants to start a family as soon as possible. While I truly hope things will be different for her, half a dozen ex-wives and even more estranged children is a pattern, and I highly doubt my friend will be the exception.

Is there anything else I can do? I don’t want to push her away, and she has already distanced herself from me a bit, but I’m not sure I can stand by and watch her throw her life away either.

—Worried Friend

charlotte989875

Don’t push her away. Things her life, her choice, and you can’t control. It will probably be a disaster but it’s not on you to save her from that. Be a friend, be a safe space if and when it crashes and burns, but recognizes it’s not your responsibility to do anything here. 

MyNameIsNot

You can't stop her and continuing to bring it up is going to push her away. If you have any mutual friends that you trust, you could ask their opinions. She might be more willing to listen if she's independently hearing it from multiple sources, but that only works if it's someone who wouldn't just take it back to her as if it were gossip. 

banana468

Can you also advise her to talk to an attorney before they get married to at least draft a prenup?  Be there for her and listen because eventually if he's as jerky as you see that will alienate you.  But if you are looking out for her best interest consider mentioning it so that she's not financially screwed. 

levioosa

Just, oof. 

downtondiva

You've voiced your concerns. It's on your friend, not you, if she goes through with this marriage - you cannot make yourself responsible for another adult's life choices. Unfortunately, she'll have to find out for herself if he's as bad as you fear. 

If and when this falls apart, be there for her and spare her the "I told you so." Until then, there is nothing more you can do.

VarunaTT

I've talked about this often; I've done both things.  When I told my friend I couldn't be happy for her about her impending marriage, our friendship broke.  She did come back eventually, even said I was right, but it was the wrong move.  I was lucky she came back to me, it could've gone very wrong.

The other friend I didn't say a word, until she called me and told me about the impending divorce.  "Thank god" came out of my mouth far too quickly for me to stop.  She did question me a lot, but I told her why I never said anything.  I finally said, "Would you have listened to me?  Or would you have dumped me?"  She sat with that for awhile and said I was right and she was glad I had stuck around for everything.  TBH, I have used this approach every time now.  Sadly, I have yet to be wrong about "this is a disaster".

So yeah.  LW, stop it if you want to maintain the friendship.  Just be there for her.

short+sassy

I will say something gently and focus on logic/reason...once.  I know I won't usually be listened to, but I have to say something.  Then I just try to be a supportive friend and hope they "see the light" sooner than later.


I warned the same friend about two different guys.  The first time, it cooled our friendship and she eventually cut me off.  She got back in touch with me two years later, which was 6 months after they broke up.  We became friends again.

She met the next guy after I had moved to New Orleans.  They got engaged less than two months after meeting each other and got married four months later.  He lost his job shortly after they started dating.  And never worked again despite the booming economy at the time.

I initially wasn't trying to talk her out of the guy, since I didn't even know him.  But I was giving her ALL the reasons as to why she should wait longer before getting married.  Including "waiting until he has a job", so he can help pay for the wedding and be more financially comfortable.  But she was afraid he was her "last chance" to get married and have children.  Not true at all!  She was in her late 20s, attractive, good job, and easily found dates.  But that's what insecurity can do to people (sigh).

This time, she wasn't upset with me and even thanked me for being concerned about her.  But she didn't want to wait and knew everything was going to be fine.  The problems started only about 6 months after they got married and they got divorced a few years later.

For a happy ending, the third time was a charm.  She's been with her 2nd husband for 20 years, she seems happy, and they have one child.