She's 11 and neglected, figure it out

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I have temporary custody of his sister’s 11-year-old daughter over a serious family conflict (parents are personally abusive and unstable toward each other, and my niece is left behind). To be blunt, it is a shit show.

We have a three-bedroom house, and we have my 15-year-old daughter (my ex and I share 50/50 custody) and a 7-year-old son together. We got a college loft bed so my daughter can have her own private space, and we put a twin in for our niece. My niece refuses to sleep alone—at all. She acts like a toddler, making excuses so she doesn’t have to go to bed by herself. My daughter suffers from insomnia and can’t fall asleep easily. Her cousin can’t stay in her own bed and will try to crawl in with my daughter, which wakes her up.

We are all waking up in the middle of the night over this. The girls are fighting at 2 a.m. My husband works the late shift, and I work an early one. We are going into work as zombies, and both have gotten warnings over our lack of focus. My daughter has been caught falling asleep in class, and I have had to watch her break down in tears over failing a test because her cousin woke her up. We tried putting a camping bed in our room so our niece could sleep with us. She ignores it and tries to crawl in with us. We both woke up. We can’t afford to wake up like this every night. It is torture. We tried bedtime rituals, cuddles before bed, and even letting the dog sleep with my niece. Nothing works.

My ex has basically said that he will be looking to seek full custody of our daughter over this. It is basically killing her that she can’t get a full night’s rest with me. I want to scream. I know my niece has it hard, and it isn’t her fault, but I am ready to shove her bed in with my son because he could sleep through a bomb. I need help. We all need to sleep. And yes, my niece is in therapy, which hasn’t changed anything. My husband is basically bailing out the family ship with a holey bucket. There is nothing left here. Help!

charlotte989875

Why can’t she sleep in bed with your son? If he can sleep, and she will, what’s the issue? Get him a queen or large bed so they have space. 

It won’t be forever but it can be for now while you’re working through this in therapy. 

Casadena

Or you sleep with her until she's used to living with you and comfortable with your family and feels safe enough to know the love and care is not going to be pulled out from under her with no warning. This is a sad, scared, broken child - there are very easy options here that LW is just being stubborn about imo. 

ei34

I think niece should sleep with LW and H for the time being. It’s nice that the 7yr old son wouldn’t wake up, but it sounds like niece needs comforting overnight, not just a room partner who will sleep through noise.  

15 yr old absolutely deserves better here.

flantastic

You're tired because you're spending the night fighting with everyone. Yes, you'll probably get worse sleep with her in your bed, but it'll be better sleep than the 2 AM nonsense you're doing now. Start there until she feels safe and it should be possible to get better. But right now you're choosing the hardest possible path for everyone.

MyNameIsNot

On a temporary basis, I would put the 7 y/o in bed with dad and go sleep with niece in son's room. (I'm assuming there's not a 4th bedroom). The 15 y/o should not be the first available person for niece, and it's really unfair to put her in that position. 

If you honestly ask yourself what's in the best interest of the 15 y/o, do you think continuing the 50/50 is? Depending on your relationship with her dad, it might be best to try to come to a temporary agreement for her to stay with dad most of the time until niece can get stabilized. Most states let kids that age elect where they want to stay anyway, it's probably not worth it to try to start a fight there.

levioosa

MyNameIsNot said:

On a temporary basis, I would put the 7 y/o in bed with dad and go sleep with niece in son's room. (I'm assuming there's not a 4th bedroom). The 15 y/o should not be the first available person for niece, and it's really unfair to put her in that position. 

If you honestly ask yourself what's in the best interest of the 15 y/o, do you think continuing the 50/50 is? Depending on your relationship with her dad, it might be best to try to come to a temporary agreement for her to stay with dad most of the time until niece can get stabilized. Most states let kids that age elect where they want to stay anyway, it's probably not worth it to try to start a fight there.

Yes, this. And is therapy even in the picture here? It sounds like niece desperately needs it. 

short+sassy

levioosa said:

MyNameIsNot said:

On a temporary basis, I would put the 7 y/o in bed with dad and go sleep with niece in son's room. (I'm assuming there's not a 4th bedroom). The 15 y/o should not be the first available person for niece, and it's really unfair to put her in that position. 

If you honestly ask yourself what's in the best interest of the 15 y/o, do you think continuing the 50/50 is? Depending on your relationship with her dad, it might be best to try to come to a temporary agreement for her to stay with dad most of the time until niece can get stabilized. Most states let kids that age elect where they want to stay anyway, it's probably not worth it to try to start a fight there.

Yes, this. And is therapy even in the picture here? It sounds like niece desperately needs it. 

It's mentioned in the letter that the niece is in therapy, but it "hasn't changed anything".  At least she is.  Hopefully it will help her, with time.

VarunaTT

IDK why LW is asking Prudie and not the therapist.  There are a lot of reasons this could be happening, and some of them are really dangerous signs.  To be frank, I think the 15 year old going to dad's full time is probably a good idea right now, give niece that room temporarily, and keep son separated and watched over.  The things LW listed can be a pretty solid sign of sexual abuse and if LW wants to keep helping niece, it has to be aggressive help/therapy in this situation.

levioosa

short+sassy said:

levioosa said:

MyNameIsNot said:

On a temporary basis, I would put the 7 y/o in bed with dad and go sleep with niece in son's room. (I'm assuming there's not a 4th bedroom). The 15 y/o should not be the first available person for niece, and it's really unfair to put her in that position. 

If you honestly ask yourself what's in the best interest of the 15 y/o, do you think continuing the 50/50 is? Depending on your relationship with her dad, it might be best to try to come to a temporary agreement for her to stay with dad most of the time until niece can get stabilized. Most states let kids that age elect where they want to stay anyway, it's probably not worth it to try to start a fight there.

Yes, this. And is therapy even in the picture here? It sounds like niece desperately needs it. 

It's mentioned in the letter that the niece is in therapy, but it "hasn't changed anything".  At least she is.  Hopefully it will help her, with time.

Even though it was in the bolded area I somehow missed it. 

And I agree @VarunaTT. I think it's super telling that the niece becomes terrified of being alone at night, even in a shared room, she wants someone physically next to her. I definitely would not have her share a bed with the H, and in the case of abuse I wouldn't want her in bed with the seven year old either. She needs super aggressive therapy, probably more than she is currently getting.