Dear Prudence,
My husband “Mark” and I took our 5-year-old son, “Giacomo,” trick or treating for the first time last year (we opted not to prior to that because of COVID), but we realized pretty quickly that due to minimal streetlights, it didn’t feel super safe. Since there are still a lot of families on the street, this year, some other concerned neighbors and I decided to plan an afternoon trunk-or-treat for the weekend before Halloween. We advertised it throughout the neighborhood and on Next Door and were thrilled to get such a positive response from other families who wanted to join!
Unfortunately, I’m still processing how it actually turned out—all because of one family’s behavior.
While most of the groups participating had fully decorated trunks and were engaged with all the kids coming by, this family opted to turn it into more of a tailgate than a trunk-or-treat. While they did have a bowl of candy on a table out on the sidewalk for kids to take from, they spent most of the time ignoring the event in favor of grilling, playing music (which wasn’t even Halloween themed), and having a party, which included alcohol! While no one appeared outwardly intoxicated, we were shocked that the group was drinking beer and what I believe were hard seltzers in the middle of the day during an event for children.
We were distressed—Mark’s uncle was an alcoholic, which led him to be a lifelong teetotaler. He is highly aware of how triggering alcohol could be to someone with his family history and stays away from it as much as possible, which I respect. We planned for him to walk around with Giacomo while I handed out candy, but when we realized what was going on, he told me it was too upsetting for him and that he needed to leave completely. Since he was gone, Giacomo walked around with another family we are close with while I handed out candy.
While he seemed to have a good time, it was upsetting to me that after so much planning I couldn’t be with him to experience his first real Halloween.
My issue is this: Is it common for people to do this at these events? The other neighbors and I didn’t even think to mention it while advertising it, so while we didn’t explicitly say it was an alcohol-free event, I feel like they owe us an apology since we couldn’t participate fully as a family. I’m also concerned that they would just repeat this behavior next year even if told not to, so is it out of line to ask them not to participate at all? We don’t want to create animosity, but I also want to make the expectations for the event clear so everyone knows it’s not an opportunity to party. How should I proceed?