Not all or nothing

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been friends with “Tania” for a long time. She is very anti-kid. Not just child-free—she doesn’t like children at all and will say so often. Some of it is pushback against gendered expectations in her family, which I sympathize with, e.g., she is expected to regularly care for her infant niece while her brothers and brothers-in-law (including the father!) are never handed a child and diaper bag the moment they’re through the door to visit. Still, her dislike of kids is extreme.

I have always wanted to be a mom, as she knows, and she acted happy for me when I got pregnant, even if there were plenty of jokes and comments about me ruining my life and sleep schedule forever. The problem is … now I don’t know how to talk to her like we used to.

She spent years complaining to me of her mom friends “prattling on about their rugrats,” meaning I’m unwilling to talk much or at all about my child to her. But I have a 6-month-old, and honestly, he takes up most of my life! If she asks how I am, it’s hard to answer without worrying that I’m “prattling on.” She always complained that she lost her friends when they became parents, and now I’m seeing why! I do have other things to talk about, and I’m in touch with other friends, but I feel so self-conscious with her now, and resent the feeling that the most wonderful thing in my life irritates her. But she has said she misses me, and I miss her. Can you advise on how to approach this? Do I tell her the truth and risk being another “baby-obsessed, self-absorbed mom” she complains about, or wait this out until I have more to talk about?

banana468

"I miss you too!  Life has been pretty all consuming with an infant and I'm actively attempting to not make that the focal point of our conversations but he's pretty much occupying all my waking (and interrupting the sleeping) hours."

Feels like there can be two extremes here.   Personalities of "I hate kids" and "My life is my kids permanently" are not productive IMO.

But your kids ARE in your life.  

charlotte989875

When your baby is 6 months old the baby is your life. She’s not much of a friend if she can’t tolerate some talk of the most important thing in your life.

But I’d have gotten annoyed way back at the “a baby will ruin your life” comment. 

Casadena

People are allowed to hate kids and be annoyed at talking about babies - even parents dont' want to only talk/hear about kids. But part of being a friend is talking about your life. Your baby is your life right now. I'd talk about your kid AND other things. If the friendship tapers because she can't handle it, then youre no worse off than now. 

short+sassy

banana468 said:

"I miss you too!  Life has been pretty all consuming with an infant and I'm actively attempting to not make that the focal point of our conversations but he's pretty much occupying all my waking (and interrupting the sleeping) hours."

Feels like there can be two extremes here.   Personalities of "I hate kids" and "My life is my kids permanently" are not productive IMO.

But your kids ARE in your life.  

I agree the LW should have a "clear the air" discussion with their friend.

That she doesn't want to be the friends that she's complained about it in the past.  She doesn't want their friendship to wane because she's a mother now.  That she also doesn't want to prattle on about her baby but it's hard to completely avoid the subject because he does take up most of her life right now.

I'm surprised their friendship hasn't already waned after how rude her friend was during the pregnancy.  An insensitive comment here and there is still eye rolling, but I could overlook it.  However, the LW described it as constant jokes.  Except the LW knows they weren't jokes, even if the friend said it in a light or humorous tone.

flantastic

Ha. I have a local friend that I've not seen much recently. I've had kids for 10 yrs, and she's been married for nearly as long and has not had kids and likely won't - and I'm not entirely certain how she feels about that.

That said, I am the one keeping up this friendship. I will reach out every so often and make plans. I will make sure that I am available at a time when I don't have the kids. I don't normally talk too much about the kids with her; there are enough other things to discuss. But 80% of the time we make plans, she texts me that morning and says that she's had too much going on, or actually should probably work through lunch, etc.

Then when we had a mutual friend in town about 18 months ago, who asked how often we saw each other. We admitted that it wasn't terribly much considering the proximity, and then she offered up as the reason that I couldn't make as much time with the kids. You know, that's common enough - but absolutely not the reason here. I'm still hurt, and I haven't really been too concerned for the last several months about making sure we see each other at all.

Sometimes you just each have your own narrative in your head. And sometimes they're just not that into you, lol. And maybe the reminder of my life is more painful than she'll admit. But I did not love her trying to pin the blame for this on me.