to crush or not to crush

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I got married this year to a man who is truly my best friend, after several years of wonderful dating. However, I’m still finding that I have a hard time turning off my “single brain,” even years after being out of the dating pool. I would never cheat, but I’ve always been a naturally flirtatious, romantic daydreamer. I just love men and it’s hard to head off little crushes and attractions, even to people I absolutely wouldn’t actually be compatible with if I’m being honest. I’m comfortable with the notion that yes, it is completely natural for adults in committed relationships to have these experiences and it doesn’t invalidate their long-term relationship, but it just feels more inappropriate and guilt-inducing now that I’m actually married. Any suggestions on tamping this down? I just feel like it has the potential to hurt my marriage in the long run!

levioosa

....maybe you weren't ready to get married.

Therapy to figure out why you need to the validation from flirting. You're having these feelings now and justifying it while you are super happy, in the honeymoon stage of marriage. What happens when you hit a rough patch and that flirty stranger is suddenly now an escape? 

short+sassy

I can relate to the LW, except don't usually have little crushes.  At worst, it's very mild flirting that some people may not even categorize that way.  It's not at a level that bothers my H or most of my previous boyfriends and I don't see anything wrong with it, so I've never had misplaced guilt about it.

But the LW sees it potentially hurting her marriage and that is a problem.  With that said, it also sounds like she has only felt that way since getting married.   That implies it wasn't a problem in the relationship before, so I'm not sure why she thinks it would be a problem now.  It seems like she just has some guilt about it now that she is married.  The letter doesn't mention anything about her H being upset.

I'd suggest she treat the other men she runs into as if they are in a job interview.  Where it can still be a friendly vibe, but more on the polite and reserved side.

banana468

Can she just acknowledge that she's married but there can be energy from talking to new people which isn't a crush?  Is she excited about seeing new people or trying to imagine dating them?? 

charlotte989875

There’s a difference between having thoughts/ dreams/ daydreams and flirting with any man who returns your attention. If you can let it be just thoughts then start there, but if you know what you’re doing is harmful to your relationship and can’t stop- time to get some help addressing what’s really going on.