Is he cheating?

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My husband (of many years) and I recently returned from a very enjoyable vacation. On the return car ride, out of the blue, he made the accusation, “You just can’t help yourself, can you?” I had no idea what he was talking about.

He went on to criticize me for my behavior in one of the lovely restaurants we had visited. As we left after our meal, I briefly stopped at a nearby table to tell a woman that I had been admiring her dress and that it was beautiful. Her face lit up, and she thanked me. Her husband had a big smile, too, and he wished us a nice vacation. The whole interaction took less than 30 seconds, and I caught up with my husband to leave the restaurant. He described my behavior as intrusive and unwelcome, and said that it was embarrassing to be with me. I was stunned at his impression of the moment and said that she was clearly pleased by the compliment, to which he replied that she had no choice but to appear pleased.

I am a friendly, outgoing person in public, but am very aware of the cues people give that they do not welcome interaction, and I always respect those. My husband, though polite, is very reserved in public. I told him that we are very different in this way, and that neither of us is right or wrong, but that I am not going to change my outgoing nature simply because he is not. I confess that this incident has made me assess my willingness to travel with him. To me, part of the pleasure of traveling is the incidental connections you can have with people. Am I misunderstanding the etiquette of interacting with people in public?

levioosa

I feel like this is one of those situations where you really had to observe it to make a judgement call. Maybe H is projecting and he's hiding something nefarious. Maybe LW doesn't have great self-awareness and interrupted the couple, it was longer than the 30 seconds she purports, and overall the exchange was awkward. Maybe H is just super introverted and any extroversion is cringe to him. We'll never know. 

banana468

levioosa said:

I feel like this is one of those situations where you really had to observe it to make a judgement call. Maybe H is projecting and he's hiding something nefarious. Maybe LW doesn't have great self-awareness and interrupted the couple, it was longer than the 30 seconds she purports, and overall the exchange was awkward. Maybe H is just super introverted and any extroversion is cringe to him. We'll never know. 

Yeah - this is more confusing to me without any deeper understanding of their dynamic.  Other aspect I wondered is, does the H want to just...keep his wife silent all the time?  

MyNameIsNot

This reminds me of the stuff my mom would do that would embarrass me when I was 13. But then I grew up.

Dude needs to do the same.

short+sassy

The LW is fine.  Her H sounds petty.  It would be one thing if he had brought it up right after it happened then had a real conversation about how he felt.  But instead, he stewed on it and then lobbed a snarky comment at her.  Which also took some of the joy out of the great vacation they had just had.

My H initiates conversations with strangers frequently.  The vast majority of the time it's well received.  He tries to be extra aware if he is bothering someone, but he's also not the best at picking up people's emotions.

We have a "system" where if I'm picking up that he might be annoying someone, I'll make a statement that's a polite but obvious end to the conversation.

But unlike the LW's H, I like this quality about him.  On vacations, it has sometimes led us to making plans with others.  In town, we have made a couple friendships this way.  That's never the goal of his comments, but it's nice when it happens.