Dictating Decor?

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I, along with my husband and our two kids (15-year-old daughter and 13-year-old son), am spending the entirety of their Christmas break traveling to visit various family members. We’re planning on visiting my 70-something father and his similarly aged girlfriend of several years, “Claire,” who he moved in with last year. He adores Claire and seems to have a new lease on life after my mom died 10 years ago, and I am very happy for him.

We plan to stay with them for three days. However, I have concerns about some of Claire’s decor (I have seen the house, my husband and children have not).

Claire was a burlesque dancer and model in her 20s and 30s. There are two relatively prominent topless photos of her in their living room, as well as a completely nude photo in the bathroom and guest bedroom. I would rather my children not be exposed to these photos. My daughter struggles with body dysmorphia, and she frequently criticizes herself and comments on other girls’ bodies who she considers to be more attractive than her. I’m confident that seeing nude photos of her step-grandma (who was very conventionally attractive) would make this visit tougher than it needs to be for her. My son, meanwhile, is a typical 13-year-old boy, and I suspect that these photos would lead to a lot of snickering and the horrifying (for all parties) possibility of him engaging in what all 13-year-old boys do.

I brought up these concerns with my father and requested that he and Claire take the photos down while we are staying with them. He talked to Claire, and they declined the request, saying that it’s Claire’s house and that he and Claire are happy to handle any issues that arise because of the photos. He has a great relationship with his grandchildren, and while I’m glad he’s open to these conversations, I don’t think he understands the extra stress something like this adds to what might already be a stressful vacation. I’m open to talking to Claire directly, but she doesn’t know the kids super well and has never had children of her own, so I don’t know how sympathetic she would be.

My husband has suggested that we just stay in a hotel, but we are already on a very tight budget, and we would be visiting their house anyway (it would be even more stressful to plan a three-day visit involving only seeing them outside of their house, especially during winter weather). I brought it up again with my father with the same result, and I’m growing resentful that he doesn’t seem to understand how important this is to us. Do you have any suggestions for convincing them to simply remove the photos for a few days? I’m happy to go in and do it myself and put them back up before we leave, so the task itself is not an excuse. Help!

banana468

I don't see how the LW can possibly do this.

She has two choices: tell the H and kids that there are nudes up of Claire when she was in her 20s.  Tell her they like the pics and IT IS NOT YOUR HOUSE and consequently they will stay.  Make it an opportunity for questions and body positivity.

If that's not on the table, then they aren't going to the house.  

charlotte989875

You’ve got three choices 

1. Have a conversation with your kids that bodies are different, how people choose to share their bodies are different, and they’re welcome to ask questions about what they see. Grandpa and step grandma don’t seem to be afraid of talking about it so why are you?
2. Take your husbands recommendations to get a hotel.
3. Stay home. 

You asked, they declined, there’s no reasonable way to go back to them and try and force them into taking down the pictures. 

short+sassy

charlotte989875 said:

You’ve got three choices 

1. Have a conversation with your kids that bodies are different, how people choose to share their bodies are different, and they’re welcome to ask questions about what they see. Grandpa and step grandma don’t seem to be afraid of talking about it so why are you?
2. Take your husbands recommendations to get a hotel.
3. Stay home. 

You asked, they declined, there’s no reasonable way to go back to them and try and force them into taking down the pictures. 

I agree with this, but #1 is the substantially better option because it teaches good overall lessons.

It also sounds like the full nude picture is only in the bathroom and one guest room.  If there is another bathroom and/or guest room, maybe the kids can use and stay in those.

The reality:

Her son has ample opportunity to look at naked women and probably does.  He doesn't need to resort to old pics of step-grandma.

I'm more sympathetic to the concern for the daughter.  I hate so much the importance our society puts on how girls/women look.  And it's the youngest among us who are the most vulnerable.  The daughter is inundated every day with ads/commercials/social media of airbrushed or photoshopped "perfect" looking women.  But I can see why it might hit differently when it is someone she personally knows.

In addition to what you said about different bodies and different views on nudity, it might help to point out how step-grandma (SG) has embraced her body even as it has changed over the years.  At least I am assuming this is true and the LW can give examples of how she does this.   

MyNameIsNot

You asked, the answer is no. So now you can either deal with it or skip the trip. 

FWIW, if you think your teenaged kids haven't seen topless ladies before, you're kidding yourself. They're old enough to learn that people are going to do what they're going to do, and they can only control how they react. 

levioosa

I just gotta say...I desperately want to see these pictures and how she looks now. I'm picturing some really cool artistic photos. I bet this woman is a hoot. It's her house, she was hot as hell in her younger years, hell yeah frame those puppies. It is a little odd that they're in such prominent common areas but whatever, it's her house. It sounds like dad has found a new fun (and age appropriate!) partner and they are enjoying life. If this is the worst thing you can say about her...let it goooo. 

banana468

levioosa said:

I just gotta say...I desperately want to see these pictures and how she looks now. I'm picturing some really cool artistic photos. I bet this woman is a hoot. It's her house, she was hot as hell in her younger years, hell yeah frame those puppies. It is a little odd that they're in such prominent common areas but whatever, it's her house. It sounds like dad has found a new fun (and age appropriate!) partner and they are enjoying life. If this is the worst thing you can say about her...let it goooo. 

And....it's empowering personal art!

I wonder if this is a mom who has never had her kids see her naked.  

Casadena

Unless the nude photos are extremely graphic close up depictions of what's between her legs I think this LW is really overreacting.

VarunaTT

I might be outside of the box here, but I wish I had seen burlesque dancers at that age.  It might be a good opening for a conversation, b/c burlesque is full of different bodies and that might be really helpful for a girl her age.  Hiding bodies isn't going to make the daughter feel better, seeing bodies, of all types, celebrated, will do far more good.

Otherwise, LW just sounds like she wants justification for irritation and inconvenience and I'm unwilling to give it.  They can stay there and explain positive body or they can stay at a hotel.