IS this really so huge?

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

When I was 4 years old, my parents divorced, and my father moved away. I grew up thinking that my biological father was “John,” but recently discovered that my mother had an affair with another man, “Allen.” Allen is my biological father. This was a surprise and filled with a lot of drama, but it’s gotten weirder than you’d imagine.

I thought I was part of a certain ethnic group, and because my father did not live nearby, I tried very hard to stay connected to my heritage. Imagine that you thought you were Irish, as an example. You tried to stay in touch with your roots by taking trips to Ireland, learning about Irish cooking, and even studying Gaelic. But then you discover that you’re not Irish at all: Your biological father was Russian.

That’s where I am now. I basically grew up being a proud “Irish woman,” only to discover I have no ties to this culture. I’m a bit baffled about where to go from here. Do I now try to get in touch with my “Russian” roots? How do I explain to my friends that I’m Russian, not Irish? What if I benefited in some way from my Irish status (getting a scholarship from the Irish-American Heritage Society, for example)? Plus, my name is a name that is very much associated with Irish culture. Anyway, I’m a bit of a mess right now. Any advice is appreciated!

—Family Turmoil

banana468

I think you need a therapist.  I can also understand that it may also be part of feeling like you're part of a bigger facade and it's hard to put that together.

I dated someone and years later my mom ran into his mom. She thought she was Italian-American and found out that she was actually adopted and Jewish.  It was a big shock to the system with a lot of soul searching.

IMO, it's not just about "being Irish" for the sake of the LW.  It's that the LW was set up to believe something, built a life around what it is that they were told and now have to reconcile the real truth as an adult. 

levioosa

When I was a kid I absolutely decimated my younger cousin by telling him he wasn't 100% Italian. Blew his mind and he spent the week crying lol. Bro, our moms are sisters and they're not Italian. LW is an adult. Is this odd? Sure, but life shattering? Eh, I think the feelings are deeper than just a heritage switch and it's more about reconciling lies and their upbringing. 

charlotte989875

I wonder if this is more about who is dad than what ancestry they have. And I think therapy is a great place to explore that. 

MyNameIsNot

Latching onto the heritage is just a way to process their feelings about the bio dad. Therapy is a great idea here.