Holy overreaction

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My wife and I are retired, so we take weeklong trips throughout the year. We ask our neighbors (“Tom” and “Cindy”) to grab our mail and place it on a bench in our entryway, and make sure the house feels warm as we live in a colder climate. Usually, nothing more than a “thanks” is required when we get back, as we do the same for them. Tom is always the one getting our mail.

If there is snow in the forecast, I will call a snow removal service to clean our property while we are gone. Our last trip, no snow was forecasted, so I didn’t make arrangements. We had a “freak” snowfall of about an inch, and on our security cameras, I noticed Tom shoveling our driveway and sidewalk after the snow had passed.

A little more work than just a “thanks” would be enough, so knowing he works from home, I texted him one day and told him I would take him out for lunch, pick the day, and his choice of restaurant, for shoveling the snow while we were gone. He picked a restaurant with higher dinner prices but an affordable lunch menu. I was surprised that Cindy was with him when he arrived. I even asked why she wasn’t at work. She said once she heard I was taking Tom to the particular restaurant we were at, there was no way she would pass up an opportunity to eat for free there, and she took half the day off.

I am somewhat upset because Tom did the work, Cindy did nothing, and she ordered off the regular menu instead of the lunch menu, so her meal cost the same as what my lunch and Tom’s lunch dishes cost, plus she “needed” a cocktail with her lunch. I was secretly seething and actually thought about telling the waiter to split the bill with Cindy paying her own way, but I paid the whole bill anyway. There is a slim chance this might happen again, that Tom would do something above and beyond while we are gone, and I would like to pay HIM back. I phrased my text as “taking you [not both of you] out to lunch.” How should I phrase it next time? I am not interested in paying for Cindy’s lunch if she didn’t do anything.

—I Invited Him, Not Her

banana468

Meh - Cindy sounds like my MIL.  She's never seen a check and her credit card touch and hasn't passed up an opportunity for someone else to pick up the bill.

Know that's how she is, how the gift was interpreted and if you want to avoid that process next time, find out what he like separate from her.  Then gift it to him.  As an example, if someone wanted to gift me something DH had no interest in, it would be dark chocolate.   He also wouldn't eat my gift.   

charlotte989875

Wild overreaction, especially if you both want to maintain this relationship in the future. Cindy sounds like she has zero tact but also in the grand scheme of things is it worth giving up having someone look out for your house when you’re gone? If Tom does something nice in the future find a different way to thank him. 

MyNameIsNot

ESH. Cindy was a lot, but consider it payment for years of picking up mail and keeping an eye on the house. Unless Tom and Cindy are also frequent travelers, a meal here and there for both of them seems reasonable. 

I'd say send Tom cookies instead next time, but LW would probably have a duck if they found out Cindy ate one. 

CharmedPam

Yeah send a gift or giftcard. And less than what you’d pay for a service. I know 6” + on my small driveway is $80, so how expensive was this lunch?

ei34

Definitely a major overreaction. Let it go and if there’s ever another unexpected snowfall, just send a Dunkin or Starbucks (or whatever) gift card. Once it’s given, though, you do not get to control whether Cindy uses it or not. 

downtondiva

Cindy was tactless and entitled, but I don't think it's worth this level of resentment. 

Next time Tom goes above and beyond, get him a small thank you gift or a gift card as others have said, and don't make it your business exactly how it gets used. It's not worth "seething" over.

MesmrEwe

It's one thing if it was the wife offering to take Tom to lunch and Cindy came along...  Little much, brush it off, but know for the future where your lines in the sand are for lunch locations in your budget even if the lunch was probably well worth the taking the mail inside over time aspect of it all especially when it's something the Post Office will do free of charge for the amounts of time involved...