overreaction or justified?

Casadena

Dear Care and Feeding,

Our 14-month-old has been lucky to be watched by her grandmother for extended periods of time over the first year of her life. Grandmom lives multiple states away but came to our home for the birth, to watch her for a month so we could extend the time before she began day care, and for two weeks here or there during the year. She’s not wealthy, so this time is truly a gift.

She’s very good with my daughter and a deeply devoted grandma. However, during her most recent trip, her husband came up at the end of the trip for a family wedding. In the morning, we asked whether she’d prefer us to drop the baby off at day care, and her response was “No, I want to spend my last day with my grandbaby.” But upon his arrival, her husband said he didn’t want to stay at our house or watch the baby (the excuse provided later was that we live in a city, and he prefers the country), even though it was his first opportunity to meet my daughter. So Grandmom called us up to ask where could she drop off the baby immediately because they needed to go. She left my daughter at my husband’s work during the middle of his workday, and then they went to do their own thing.

My husband and I are furious. It seems obvious that she chose the minor comforts of her husband over the care of her grandchild. We spoke to them afterward about the situation, and they did not see what the issue was. It makes us question whether she’s a reliable caretaker at all, let alone when her husband is around. Her husband is self-absorbed and quite controlling of my mother-in-law.

I don’t want her staying at my house to watch my daughter anymore, but that means they won’t spend any time together. Am I overreacting?

—Grandmom Troubles

banana468

Lay out the rules with her.  YOUR HUSBAND should do this.

"Mom, we need to clarify what the rules are for daycare and drop offs in advance and especially with work schedules.  Petunia Fluffernutter can be in daycare but that arrangement needs to be made with their schedule X days in advance.  On the day off they already have arrangements made.  Dropping her off at my office in the middle of the workday for a non emergency has major impacts to both my work schedule and also my performance.  It's understood that I have reliable childcare and when that stops forcing me to stop my workday, it's viewed, justifiably so by my employer, as a performance issue.  What happened on the day of Francine's wedding cannot happen again.  If you are unwilling to acknowledge your part in this and cannot commit to ensuring it will never happen again we will move forward with exclusive use of the daycare for PF's childcare and she can spend time with you when we make our visits to the country." 

MyNameIsNot

Casadena said:

Dear Care and Feeding,

Our 14-month-old has been lucky to be watched by her grandmother for extended periods of time over the first year of her life. Grandmom lives multiple states away but came to our home for the birth, to watch her for a month so we could extend the time before she began day care, and for two weeks here or there during the year. She’s not wealthy, so this time is truly a gift.

She’s very good with my daughter and a deeply devoted grandma. However, during her most recent trip, her husband came up at the end of the trip for a family wedding. In the morning, we asked whether she’d prefer us to drop the baby off at day care, and her response was “No, I want to spend my last day with my grandbaby.” But upon his arrival, her husband said he didn’t want to stay at our house or watch the baby (the excuse provided later was that we live in a city, and he prefers the country), even though it was his first opportunity to meet my daughter. So Grandmom called us up to ask where could she drop off the baby immediately because they needed to go. She left my daughter at my husband’s work during the middle of his workday, and then they went to do their own thing.

My husband and I are furious. It seems obvious that she chose the minor comforts of her husband over the care of her grandchild. We spoke to them afterward about the situation, and they did not see what the issue was. It makes us question whether she’s a reliable caretaker at all, let alone when her husband is around. Her husband is self-absorbed and quite controlling of my mother-in-law.

I don’t want her staying at my house to watch my daughter anymore, but that means they won’t spend any time together. Am I overreacting?

—Grandmom Troubles

You're really burying the lead here. Phrasing this as her "choosing his minor comforts over the care of her grandchild" is missing the context. These aren't your parents so you may not really understand what it is to be married to a self-absorbed, controlling person. She's not prioritizing his comfort, she's prioritizing her own sanity, because she knows what will happen if she doesn't do what he wants.  

I think you need to talk to your husband about the whole thing and follow his lead. If this is an isolated occurrence, blocking her from staying at your house seems like quite the overreaction. Maybe planning to keep the kid in daycare while she's there and having her visit just to visit would be a more reasonable change. 

short+sassy

The MIL has been a good and reliable caregiver for 14 months.  It was only when her husband came for a visit that things went downhill.  He normally never comes to visit.

It's not an overreaction to be upset she changed things at the last minute and also doesn't think it's a big deal.

But it is an overreaction to no longer allow the MIL to babysit.  In the future, just make sure the Step-FIL won't be coming.  If he is, make arrangements for the baby to go to daycare on those days. 

If the OP is still insistent that the MIL no longer babysit, than have a middle ground where the MIL is still welcomed to visit but the baby will go to daycare.  I don't understand the nuclear option of the last sentence.  It assumes if the MIL doesn't babysit, she will rarely see her grandchild.  Why would it be like that?

banana468

Yeah - I think the nuclear option may be too much but I also think it's quite clear the MIL is not going to be someone they can trust if her H is going to pull at her attention.

I think that's the larger issue here.  It isn't like there's a feeling that she's going to set the kid in front of the TV, head out and lock the door, but she's also saying that if push comes to shove, she'll also not fulfill her promise.  If she doesn't see that, it's an impass.