Dear Prudence,
I’m trying to figure out how to support my sister, but I don’t know how. When my older sister “Sonya” was a teen, she was assaulted by an adult. She got pregnant, and our parents refused to let her terminate the pregnancy or put the baby up for adoption. Sonya was an unwilling mom to “Simon” until she turned 18.
At that point, she left him with our parents for extended periods of time while she tried to get an education and figure herself out. She wasn’t OK for a long time. It was the worst situation for everyone. Our parents acted like Simon was a burden. Sonya was miserable and resented Simon and our parents. Simon was just a kid, and he was unhappy too. I was basically a sibling to Simon, but I didn’t help either. I tried to stay out of the whole dynamic and left home as soon as I could, rarely coming back.
Sonya eventually spent more time with Simon, but she was never his full-time parent. Simon died abruptly in an accident this winter—he was only 17. I went to the funeral, but Sonya didn’t go. She says since she wasn’t reliably in his life, she didn’t need to be there. She says she’s not sad, and that she didn’t really know him, and she doesn’t want to talk about it. I cannot imagine how complicated things must be for her, if even the grief I feel is confusing. I’m a mom myself, and the idea of losing either of my kids would crush me, but we also have a more straightforward relationship. What can I do for Sonya if she says she’s fine and doesn’t want anything because she’s “not grieving”?
—Sad Sister