Clash on Kids

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My partner and I have been together five years, but we live separately, as he has four teenagers. I have no desire to be described as an evil stepmother for wanting my home to be clean, quiet, and taken care of. I have seen his kids completely trash the house within an hour of a cleaner coming and act surprised when they get mold and roaches from leaving dirty dishes under their beds. My partner is a good and involved dad, but their mom has basically all but given up trying to civilize them. Her answer to any parenting challenge is to throw her hands up in the air and ask what does anyone expect her to do? They will not listen and do what they want anyway. So, I am rarely around the kids for anything more than a few hours anymore.

I am the opposite with my cousin. There is a big age gap, but she is my only cousin and I have doted on her since she was small. She is sweet, smart, and on her way to be a huge success. She got into a special program that lets her go to college at 16 and stay on campus. It is nearby, so I will occasionally take her out or just bring her over to hang out. Well, this has become a thorn in the side of my partner, and recently, he complained that I ignore his kids and don’t try hard enough.

I called BS. I made every attempt over the years to get close to his kids, from going to sports games to paying for expensive family vacations. The most I got back was a halfhearted thank you and only after their grandmother reminded them. If I push closer, I get pushed back. If I leave them alone, I am not trying hard enough. There is no way to win, so I don’t play. I get along with his kids because we aren’t in each other’s pockets 24/7. Maybe it will be different when they are out in the world and find out partners and roommates are not going to clean up after them automatically. Right now, this arrangement works.

I also pointed out that my partner has never taken it on himself to try and get close with anyone in my family, not even my parents. And my cousin is basically my goddaughter. He insists that it is different. I don’t see how. We keep going around and around on the subject. I love him, but I am tired. How do I tell him this is what works, and I am not turning into Julie Andrews?

banana468

Casadena said:

Dear Prudence,

My partner and I have been together five years, but we live separately, as he has four teenagers. I have no desire to be described as an evil stepmother for wanting my home to be clean, quiet, and taken care of. I have seen his kids completely trash the house within an hour of a cleaner coming and act surprised when they get mold and roaches from leaving dirty dishes under their beds. My partner is a good and involved dad, but their mom has basically all but given up trying to civilize them. Her answer to any parenting challenge is to throw her hands up in the air and ask what does anyone expect her to do? They will not listen and do what they want anyway. So, I am rarely around the kids for anything more than a few hours anymore.

I am the opposite with my cousin. There is a big age gap, but she is my only cousin and I have doted on her since she was small. She is sweet, smart, and on her way to be a huge success. She got into a special program that lets her go to college at 16 and stay on campus. It is nearby, so I will occasionally take her out or just bring her over to hang out. Well, this has become a thorn in the side of my partner, and recently, he complained that I ignore his kids and don’t try hard enough.

I called BS. I made every attempt over the years to get close to his kids, from going to sports games to paying for expensive family vacations. The most I got back was a halfhearted thank you and only after their grandmother reminded them. If I push closer, I get pushed back. If I leave them alone, I am not trying hard enough. There is no way to win, so I don’t play. I get along with his kids because we aren’t in each other’s pockets 24/7. Maybe it will be different when they are out in the world and find out partners and roommates are not going to clean up after them automatically. Right now, this arrangement works.

I also pointed out that my partner has never taken it on himself to try and get close with anyone in my family, not even my parents. And my cousin is basically my goddaughter. He insists that it is different. I don’t see how. We keep going around and around on the subject. I love him, but I am tired. How do I tell him this is what works, and I am not turning into Julie Andrews?

Ask him what his plans are to address the sanitary conditions of the house.  Until he does, you are and will not be immersing yourself in the plans of able bodied humans who refuse  to clean up. 

VarunaTT

I don't even know why you're sticking around for this nonsense.  He's taking his frustrations with his kids out on you.  Change your locks, tell him you're out, and he can go hang out at someone else's clean house.  Then take your cousin for a vacation.

levioosa

Remind me again why you're with this man? 

MyNameIsNot

This doesn't have long term potential. Just end it. 

But also, he has them at his house at least enough to cause mold and bugs. Why is it solely their mother's fault that these kids are slobs?

ei34

MyNameIsNot said:

This doesn't have long term potential. Just end it. 

But also, he has them at his house at least enough to cause mold and bugs. Why is it solely their mother's fault that these kids are slobs?

This is what stood out to me too.  How is this all the mom's fault?  

I think LW has a partner problem here.  Nothing is his fault and he refuses to meet LW's family?  I'd end this.