Dear Prudence,
My husband and I both lost our spouses before the grandkids came, so we are equally Nana and Pop Pop. My problem is that my daughter moved to the opposite coast and decided to go the single mom route. She makes a very good living, but even with professional help, struggles with her two children. My husband and I live within spitting distance of his two children and are very involved in their lives. I take daily care of the two little ones, and my husband takes the older three to school and their activities every day.
My daughter constantly complains about the cost of raising her children, having no “real” help, and passive-aggressive insulting remarks about my husband’s children, like they are taking advantage of me and I am somehow failing my “real” grandkids. I flew out and stayed a month for each birth. I try to visit at least twice a year and call regularly, but it isn’t the same as living in the same town.
I love my daughter. I love her children. I greatly encouraged my daughter to relocate either back near me or her brother and his wife before deciding on motherhood, since her job is remote. She refused and told me it wasn’t my place to tell her what to do or where to live. My daughter has always been proud and stubborn. It is the reason why she is so successful, but I am sick and tired of being “blamed” for her own choices.
Our last conversation ended where I told her that she needed to not be so negative around the kids, and that it affected their relationship with their cousins, even as babies. She told me flatly they had no cousins, and I was deluding myself to think we could play at “being one big happy family.” I was so stunned. I asked her what she meant—she told me to figure it out and hung up.
I don’t know what to do here. I lost my first husband when my kids were teenagers and got remarried when they were in their mid-20s. My husband lost his wife the year before we met, and we married the year after. His children did nothing but embrace me. My kids attended the weddings of his kids. My stepdaughter was a speaker at my son’s wedding. They exchange Christmas cards and gifts. My daughter sends money to all five of my other grandchildren here. I don’t know where this is coming from or what to do about it. I haven’t told anyone because I don’t want anything to escalate, but talking to my daughter feels like being a punching bag most of the time. What do I do?