Controlling? Or just needy?

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I’m struggling with the behavior of my close friend’s husband, and I’m worried about how it’s affecting her. He is the most indecisive person I have ever encountered. Any time we visit, he has to plan our schedule down to the minute, but even then, he constantly changes his mind.
Nothing actually gets decided until the last possible second, which turns every outing into a stressful ordeal.

But there’s a deeper issue that’s emerged that makes me very uncomfortable.

If I invite my friend to do something—just the two of us—he refuses to let her go unless he also feels like doing it. He claims it’s “unfair” for her to experience anything without him. Meanwhile, when he wants to do an activity she doesn’t enjoy, he insists that she accompany him anyway, even though she repeatedly tells him he’s welcome to go alone or ask someone else.

My friend brushes this off as him being “quirky” or “particular,” but to me it looks controlling and isolating. I don’t know how to support her without overstepping. Is there a way to gently help her see that this dynamic isn’t healthy? Or should I say nothing and keep adjusting to his behavior?

banana468

It's codependent and weird. 

It would be a friendship killer.  "No, he can't come to book club.  No I don't want to invite him to Galentine's. " 

levioosa

I think I need more information to determine if it's controlling vs just codependent. But it's weird and would totally kill a friendship. 

MyNameIsNot

I would absolutely stop travelling to visit, but I'd keep communication open with her. Unless he insists that phone calls must also be a group endeavor. 

ei34

Now I want to meet the couple.  I have known two you-don't-see-one-without-the-other couples.  One is a college friend who's super sweet, she met her now H when they were freshmen in college and they instantaneously became best friends and a couple.  And they're just attached at the hip, I only saw her solo if we were in a class together that he wasn't in, and post-college at plus bridal showers and bachelorette parties (I was a BM in her wedding), or mutual girl friends' pre-wedding parties, a girls spa day, etc.  But like...it's not weird?  They just genuinely enjoy each other's company and share common interests.  Co-dependent for sure but they're both so kind and pleasant to be around.

Then there's ex-H's weird cousin and his ex-wife.  Cousin (and exH and I) were in our mid-20s and the ex-wife (she was his gf at the time) was 18...and they'd been dating on and off for like four years at the time.  So right off the bat it was weird.  And she just wasn't allowed out of his sight, ever.  If exH was at a guys thing that the cousin was at, the gf was there too.  She was just never out of his sight. The few times she and I texted I'd always hear from the cousin, bc he monitored her phone.  It always felt weird and controlling.  And the vibe I'm getting here is that the LW's friend's H is like this.  Why can't he go out and experience his own fun?  What's unfair is that he is stopping her from seeing friends without him, and instead forcing her to do things only he wants to do.  The only support, I guess, is to keep in touch via phone, bc I don't think I'd want to hang out with him, and he's always there. 

banana468

@ei34 that's what I'm feeling too.

DH and I were friends in college.  We didn't start dating until we were 24 so we were in the same friend groups, went out together and our interests clearly overlapped so dates and group dates were friend hangs.  But he also has the stuff he does without me.  And I do stuff without him...and we encourage it!

And...if these two ever have kids it's problematic behavior IMO to show kids.  Much like the other dude who had tons of affairs while the wife is stuck home in a celibate relationship this speaks far more of codependent male control and it's not healthy.