Dear Prudence,
My son-in-law is a sweet, gentle, quiet person. He is also stubborn. If I try to talk to him about something he doesn’t want to talk about, he won’t reply. And he teases a lot. He started teasing his 10-year-old son, my grandson, about romance and dating and love, when grandson was 6 or 7. The first thing that happened was that we weren’t allowed to kiss grandson anymore because it upset him so much. I said something to my SIL in front of everyone about stopping the teasing, and it got better for a while. But last summer when I was there, I found out my grandson won’t let people say “I love you” either. I’m pretty sure that on their trip to Paris a year ago, the dad kept saying “the city of looo-ve.”
This isn’t teasing, it’s bullying. I was just visiting and SIL showed me some heart-shaped pasta he got for Valentine’s Day because “grandson hates hearts.” I feel ill about it. Grandson was the most affectionate little boy!
SIL also teases my daughter, who takes it better, but as a result the kids are rude to her, telling her that her crafts are ugly. My daughter has a lot of anxiety, partly because of my shitty parenting, and my 12-year-old granddaughter was laughing about something and used a new word, saying something my daughter worried about was “stupid.” I pulled granddaughter aside and said a lot of my daughter’s anxiety is because I was a mean mom, and that hearing her say her feelings were stupid made me feel terrible, and to please stop. (My daughter and I get along now, and I’m grateful to be in her life, but I’m careful to not criticize her.) She shrugged, but I think she at least partly heard me.
The grands, especially the grandson, are starting to be rude to me too, I think because they don’t understand sarcasm and the affection behind it. I think daughter and SIL are not very aware of how much the teasing affects the children’s treatment of their mother as well as grandson’s comfort. I want to talk to my son-in-law about this. I’m tempted to talk to my grandson about it and teach him to say “STFU, you big bully!” when his dad teases him. I’m tempted to text my granddaughter and tell her more about what I see. I’m tempted to talk to SIL’s parents, with whom I am close but who don’t see the family as much.
What do you suggest I do? Other than this, my SIL is a great parent, even wonderful; he doesn’t do a lot of emotional labor, but he’s warm and loving, usually, to the kids and my daughter, and he does most of the cooking, which is a lot more than my ex did. He’s pretty amazing in a lot of ways and I’m glad he and my daughter are married. But I want the bullying to stop. This one piece angers me so much!