Stop telling her about it

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I was surprised when my father got remarried, as I had only met his girlfriend, “Jackie,” a few times since I was away at college. It was a small ceremony done at the courthouse, and everyone went out to eat afterward. Jackie was divorced with teenage kids, and my mom died when I was 10, so I guess that they didn’t want a big, fancy wedding.

But now Jackie is acting very strangely about my own wedding. My fiancé is Hispanic, so it is going to be a big blowout in his hometown, where most of his family still lives, and they are pulling out all the stops. There will be food trucks, live music, and dancing until dawn. Most of our budget is going toward paying for plane tickets and hotel rooms for my side of the family since they are scattered all over the country. We aren’t having a honeymoon, and I found my dress in a thrift store.

Jackie keeps making catty remarks about how excessive and expensive everything is, or she gets petty and pissy about things like not being invited to go dress shopping with my maternal aunt and best friend. Again, it was just us shopping at a thrift store, and I happened to stumble on the perfect dress. She hates our planned menu, that we are having a Catholic mass, and pretty much all of our choices down to the wedding colors (which are none—our bridal party is just having coordinating ties and flowers). My dad and I have weekly Zoom calls, and Jackie is always lingering in the background and giving her two cents.

I tried to rise above it, but lost my cool when Jackie whined that her sons, who live overseas now and I barely know, weren’t invited. I told Jackie they could have an invitation if she wanted to pony up the money for the international fare. We have not asked anything from her and my dad other than that they pay for their hotel and gas. We all live in the South, and they don’t have much money. Jackie started wailing and weeping, so my dad ended the call.

Since then, he has been very cagey and defensive about his wife to the point that it is giving me nightmares. In our last conversation, my dad actually tried to argue that Jackie never had a daughter and never got to plan a wedding for her, so it is understandable that she is “sad.” I screamed that my mother was dead, and maybe my feelings about missing her and my wedding were more important here. My dad ended the call, and I am wondering if I should just cut him from escorting me down the aisle and a first dance altogether if he will not even defend me.

My fiancé told me he would support me, but that I should think of this as a nuclear option. Everyone else thinks Jackie is nuts, and my father is nuts for going along with this. I have had multiple relations, from my aunt to my second male cousin, offer to walk me down the aisle instead. My best friend told me that she would sit on Jackie if she tried anything (Jackie weighs nothing, and my best friend is 6 feet tall). I just can’t wrap my head around this.

—Not Cinderella, But Evil Stepmother

banana468

I'm getting whiffs of sour grapes that someone had a small wedding and didn't get the big to do because constant criticism like that can start to sound like a big whine.  She seems like someone who is missing attention. 

Stop the Zoom.  Talk to your dad one on one and be clear with how you're feeling.  But if you go with the nuclear option you'll probably not have your father in attendance - is that the way you want it to be?  

ei34

ESH.  Her sons should have been invited since this doesn't sound like an intimate affair (though you certainly do not have to pay for them to attend?!).  Ignore her critiques.  I don't think I'd cut dad from important roles if this is kind of the first friction you to have had.

charlotte989875

Yup, ESH. You should have invited her sons, that does seem exclusionary to me. You don’t have to pay for the flights but a genuine invite would have been reasonable.

Shes way out of line but you yelling about your mom and threatening to not have your dad walk you down the aisle does seem like an overreaction. Just because she’s over blowing things don’t mean you need to match her there. 

banana468

I don't know - I have mixed feelings on inviting her kids.  I think it would have been nicer to do it.  But I also think she likely has no relationship with them if she only met the woman a couple times when her dad and Jackie got married.  I've heard plenty of stories where ultimately people don't have relationships with step siblings if they entered the picture when they were adults.  Is it nicer to just throw the bone and send the invitations?  Yes.  But is the LW remiss?  I don't know if it goes that far.