Aunt on the sidelines

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My niece just turned 13, and she is awful. She constantly swears, stomps around, and screams when she doesn’t get her way. Her parents just scramble around to please her every tantrum because whatever spine they had as parents, they lost in the divorce three years ago. When my niece gets told no, she gets red in the face and starts swearing at whatever parent is there and tells them she hates them and wants to go live with the other one. Then they run around to please her. There are no consequences, and her actions keep escalating.

So far, she had to change middle schools because she relentlessly bullied another girl. Her parents acted like she was a victim despite all the social media proof. My husband and I both volunteered for a local sports program that our oldest was in, and we have gotten a bird’s-eye view of the situation. My niece got physical with another player and was suspended. She cursed out the coach, and I was forced to take her home prematurely. She had to be basically dragged to my car and wouldn’t stop swearing and screaming. I stopped in front of the local police station and told her she could stop it, or I would drop her off here by herself. The threat actually worked, and she didn’t utter a peep until my brother got home and she turned on the waterworks. The response was my brother and his ex turning on me for “traumatizing” my niece and not automatically pulling strings to get her back in the program.

It has gotten so bad that my own mother doesn’t want to be around my niece because of her behavior, and our other sister refuses to be in the same room as her after she got physical with her younger cousins over a gaming console. My brother and his ex just make excuse after excuse. “She is just a kid.” “The divorce was hard on her.” “She turned into a teen.” “It isn’t that bad.”

It is that bad, and it is getting worse. She will end up in juvie at the rate she is going. I feel like I am watching a slow-moving car crash. Please don’t suggest therapy. Her parents put her in it during the divorce and let her quit after she said she didn’t want to go. They certainly refuse to listen to any of the expert advice they got from the school. Help!

banana468

JUVIE!?!  Come on now that's not a thing.  

Your technique of going to the police station was awful.  It's not going to help with veiled threats.

That said, you can put boundaries in place.  And you can tell your brother that a divorce that's rough on a child is not a license for the child to do things that are dangerous to others, against the rules and unsafe. 

So be clear: You won't pull strings but also you won't actually help her unless she sticks to your rules.  Clearly this is a kid who needs attention and boundaries and structure and congratulate them.  They can't be married but their offspring finally got them to agree that she's their princess and can do no wrong.  Do they not see how she's manipulating them? 

MyNameIsNot

You can't fix someone else's kid. All you can do is put boundaries around what you will do. That should mean that you won't be in a position where you are responsible for her, like on the ball field or you won't let her be unsupervised with your kids or in your house. 

levioosa

Kid sounds awful but I do feel for her. And I am rolling my eyes at "don't suggest therapy." She is still a child. She might sit in the therapists office silently for weeks until she starts to open up but that's part of the process and one that child therapists (especially ones who deal with pre-teens and teens) are well acquainted with. This is mainly a parent problem, and you can't fix them, and you can't change her if they refuse to parent. The best thing you can do is have firm boundaries and be a source of stability. 

ei34

I'd follow my mother and sister's lead and remove myself from the situation for the time being.  Bc threatening with the police was an awful move - if you can't be A Positive Adult in niece's life right now, that is what it is, but don't make it worse. Tell whoever's in charge at the sports program that niece has two parents - you're there to volunteer, not act as her emergency contact.

I do think niece could use therapy - maybe a group setting, so she's around kids around the same age, sharing similar experiences and frustrations?