Dear Prudence,
I wish my husband and I were still just dating, rather than life partners and daily companions. I did marry him for a reason—he is very funny and charming, and I love hanging out with him on vacation and on good days. We really align on values/interest in art/hobbies/sense of humor. The problem is that he cannot deal with stress or friction in day-to-day life. Despite years of going through several modes of therapy, antidepressants, meditation, cutting his hours to part time at work, and having a life that is utterly curated to make him comfortable, he is constantly complaining and unsatisfied. We all know what it’s like to feel like we’re on a hamster wheel of work and chores, not enough money and not enough free time. But the thing is, he works five hours a day and still makes a comfortable income. He spends all weekend riding his motorcycle with friends. He has a creative endeavor he loves but barely puts any time into. We have no children and own a nice little home. I schedule a weekly house cleaner, make enough money to offset his reduced salary, and manage our finances.
So when I hear him complaining and huffing and puffing about having to go to work, wanting to travel more, having to fix stuff on his bike, his moto friends being uncool, his creative project not having any movement, the concept of having to plan meals, etc. etc., all I can say after 10 years is “Idk, that sucks, honey!” I just have no empathy left in my body for his constant whining; he never lets a slowdown in traffic or having to clean the cat box pass by without being a total teeth-clenching, swearing-under-his-breath little baby about it.
I work 10 hours a day, volunteer on weekends, have friends I actually love, and also have creative pursuits. I’m very satisfied with my life and grateful for what we have. Between all of this, I have precious minutes of downtime, and the last thing I want to deal with is an entitled man sighing and griping in my house. Thinking financially, divorcing and selling our house would put us both in a really tough spot where neither of us has enough to fully start over. But I don’t even really want to get divorced? I love my husband and want to stay connected to him. I just wish we could meet up for drinks once a week and take occasional weekend trips rather than be around each other at home all the time. When I try to talk to him about this, he just gets mad and says he should be allowed to express his emotions. OK, sure, but I’m also allowed to be completely turned off by his complete lack of resiliency. Where do we even go from here?