Dear Prudence,
My wife, “Leann,” and I have a 28-year-old son, “Jacob,” still living with us, and the situation has me at the end of my rope. I retired four years ago, and Leann was a stay-at-home mom. Jacob is very intelligent and articulate, and got good grades throughout high school. He had a free ticket to a degree thanks to my job at a state university, but he floundered his way through and graduated with a bachelor’s degree in a field he really has no interest in.
Jacob very much considers himself an outsider; he scoffs at the idea of a career and expresses disdain for his “normie” peers. His poor hygiene and physical appearance are limiting his job options. Jacob has bounced from one dead-end job to another, never working more than three days a week, and shows no signs of progress toward independence. He has been on anxiety medication for almost 10 years, but is currently in the process of tapering them off, so we’re trying to be extra patient right now. He pays nothing to live here and doesn’t do any household chores other than his own laundry.
Leann and I have an otherwise good marriage, but we strongly disagree about how to help him. I go through life biting my tongue because I feel he needs some tough love, like a deadline for getting a full-time job or contributing to room and board, whereas she wants to control the narrative and make everything as easy as possible for him. I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. His presence limits our ability to move and to travel as much as we’d like. I’m constantly on edge, waiting for the inevitable phone call with the next job problem or car problem. I’m in my early 60s, and this is not how I planned to live my golden years. I spend a lot of time fantasizing about leaving, and we’re financially secure, so I know I can. I don’t want to break our family up over this, but I honestly think I’d be happier living on my own if this doesn’t improve. What can I do to break this logjam?
—Can’t Wait Forever