NA wedding?

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My fiancé’s father is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been dry for one year, but stays strictly away from any functions that serve alcohol. He chose not to attend our engagement party for this reason and we respected his decision. The problem is, he asked us not to serve alcohol at our wedding. He says if we do, he cannot go because it would risk his recovery.

My parents are bewildered at the idea of not serving any alcohol at our wedding. They think we will come across as stingy and very odd if we had a wedding at a hotel with just juice and soft drinks. My fiancé thinks we shouldn’t have alcohol at our wedding so his father can attend. My parents think my future FIL is making an unreasonable request. They asked if there were other ways around it, like bringing his recovery mentor/therapist to the wedding or assigning a relative to watch over him and make sure he doesn’t drink. Is there any compromise to this problem?

—No Wine at the Wedding?

CharmedPam

Eeeek. This is tough and I’ll be in the minority. Honestly, I need alcohol at weddings. It’s not fair to the others to eliminate for one person. Good on dad and congrats on 1 year sober but maybe do a separate dinner celebration with him another day?

banana468

This is concerning to me and I'm not sure how I'd approach it. 

No, I don't *need* alcohol at a wedding....but a beverage doesn't hurt.  I'd also question how the father approaches all other environments.  Does he turn down business dinners unless no one consumes?  I'm not belittling his sobriety but I question the approach. 

I don't think there's a one size fits all here and there's so much nuance to understanding the journey someone has with addiction.  It would really be case dependent and I don't think the LW is wrong if they have alcohol. 

MyNameIsNot

I just wouldn't do a dry wedding. I understand being around a lot of people drinking can be a trigger, especially for people newly sober, but expecting an entire wedding to cater to you is just not reasonable. To me the compromise would be that dad comes to the ceremony only, or stays for dinner and leaves during the "party" section. Maybe seat dad with others who are close to him and willing to forgo drinks during the meal. I just have a really hard time believing he would not be able to stomach having dinner at the olive garden if someone sitting at another table is having wine. 

Not my dad, but one of my uncles was freshly sober when I got married. I think it had only been 2-3 months, so very new. He had always been the life of the party, so being around everyone drinking and dancing would have been really hard at the time. He came to the ceremony and then stopped by and chatted with me for a bit while we did photos, but then ducked out before the reception started. 

ei34

A compromise could be dad attends the ceremony, and not the cocktail hour and reception?  I don't even drink myself and I think it's unreasonable to expect an entire group of people to work around one guest (for any reason).

MesmrEwe

It is possible to not open the bar until after the First Dance and do the toast(s) later in the evening instead...  And, while hard for some, it is possible to have fun without alcohol!  He's new to sobriety and entirely okay to set the line in the sand!  The couple has to decide - Which is more important the Alcohol or the Father being there?  The in-laws shouldn't hold it against them to hold off or entirely not have any at any point in the day so that another parent can be in attendance!