Dear Prudence,
A good friend and ex-coworker of mine, “Marnie,” is dying. She has only a few months left, is already in hospice, and has made most of her final arrangements. One of the things she has asked for is to spend more time with her friends. The problem is my husband, “Brandon,” and how he behaves when I go to visit her. The first visit, Brandon called me (drunk) after about three hours and demanded to know why I hadn’t responded to his text asking me how things were going, and then demanded to know who was there with us. I’d texted him upon arrival, so he knew I’d made it safely.
I explained that my phone had been across the room, and I hadn’t noticed the text as I was hanging out with Marnie. He said I should have my phone on me and check it at a minimum every two hours in case he texts. It was all very bizarre and came off as kind of controlling. I tried to calmly explain this to him when I got home, and he was still acting strangely. Brandon became upset at me using the word “controlling” to describe his behavior.
The next visit with Marnie was an overnight, but hours before I left, Brandon started picking fights and getting irritated again and made me promise to text him immediately if Marnie’s partner, “Ron,” (whom I was relieving so he could have a night off from caregiving and neither of us knows well, but seems nice and loves Marnie) showed up because Brandon didn’t like the fact that Marnie didn’t want men who were not her partner at her house when her partner was not there. I tried explaining to Brandon that Marnie is going through a lot right now (her medications have some side effects that make her self-conscious) and that all she wants is to feel comfortable in her own home, but his irritation continued.
The third visit was just today for a dinner party with Marnie and some of our old co-workers (all women). I’d been prepping in the kitchen for hours while Brandon played video games in the living room. I let him know I was about to leave about 15 minutes before I needed to go, and he got very upset saying that the calendar didn’t have me leaving for a couple hours (this was true, the ladies hadn’t decided on an exact start time until just the day before and work was so busy that though I’d thought I’d updated the calendar, I had not, but the end time was the same). It essentially meant that the visit would be about five hours, rather than three. Brandon and I had no plans, and even if I’d been at the house for those extra two hours, we wouldn’t have even really hung out, since he was playing his video games and I was doing my own projects in the kitchen.
Instead, he started yelling at me about the calendar entry being wrong, and so I apologized for not updating it, but asked him how it made any difference to the reality of his day. It turned into an argument that upset me so much that I had to calm down in my car for five minutes before I could even drive. He is still very angry about it, but keeps coming up with different excuses as to why (i.e., he wanted help with the dog that he is meant to watch on weekends as I watch him on my own during the week, but our adult kids live at home and were there and could help, or he thought we’d have more time to hangout, but we weren’t hanging out and I was only going to be gone for a few hours…). I must admit, his behavior is beginning to make me pretty angry as well. I just don’t understand why he is behaving this way or how to navigate the little time my dying friend has left if he’s going to act out like this every time I want to see her.
—Fight of the Navigator