ESH

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

So my fiancé and I are planning our wedding. We live in a different state from his parents and sister. She has seven children. She has been loudly whining and crying about the cost of traveling with all her kids, the fact that they will not be center stage in the bridal party (there is no bridal party), and my family being “favored.”

We are looking at an out-of-state venue, but one close to where two of my siblings and several of our friends live. This will cut down on hotel costs. We already offered some help covering her costs. But during our last conversation, she whined that it wasn’t enough and the wedding should be in their “hometown,” which is ridiculous since the family moved there when my fiancé was in the middle of college and his parents retired to another city entirely. I finally snapped and yelled at her to maybe get one of her three baby daddies to help out, and our wedding was centered on us and not her and her kids. She proceeded to cry to her parents, and they started berating my fiancé because his sister has it “so hard.”

His parents pay her mortgage and car note. We already budgeted to pay for their hotel and gas for the wedding; my fiancé has never asked his parents for a dime. My fiancé feels so defeated and has repeatedly said that when we have kids, they will be an afterthought, at best, to his family. I would elope, but I really want my family and our friends to attend our wedding with us. Help! We just started looking at venues, and it already feels like everything is falling apart.

banana468

You screwed this up by being the one to communicate with the sister and issue judgement.  

The better option would have been for your FI to handle his sister and state, "Hey we understand that this is not what you were expecting.  The kids aren't in the wedding and that should actually be considered a cost-savings since they're invited but don't need special attire.  The following locations for hotels are cost effective in the area and I can ask friends for additional recommendations if you need them. "

You can have the judgement and also know that this is where parents will focus their attention.  It stinks, but it's what parents do even if the answer is that the sis is making poor choices - it's not fair to the kids who didn't pick their lives.   Beyond that, work to bite your tongue when it's an opinion and not a fact related to your FI' s family. 

MyNameIsNot

"I understand that this might not work for you, but this is what we're doing. We will understand if you're not able to make it." 

Insulting her baby daddy situation is pretty low and you need to apologize for that. 

charlotte989875

You need to apologize for insulting her baby daddy situation, that was uncalled for. 

You should also have your fiancé be the one to communicate with her. She doesn’t get to dictate your plans and he can help her with accommodations, recommendations, but you need to stay out of it. But curious- if he’s feeling defeated how does he feel about having the wedding somewhere that’s hard for his family to travel to?