Informed not consulted

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

By the time my daughter told me she was getting married, she had already booked a date, a time, a venue, bought a dress, and printed cards. It’s an intimate affair, just 20 people, including the happy couple, split equally between both families.

Now I’m navigating calls from family members who are upset that they didn’t make the guest list, including my parents and my oldest son, because my daughter didn’t want his wife and kids “ruining” her day. I’m hurt, particularly because this was done without any discussion, which obviously implies a loss of trust in both directions, but also angry because I have to deal with the fallout in our wider family. I’ve tried talking to my daughter, but she insists it’s “not a big deal,” that it’s not up for discussion, and that if I don’t like the arrangement, I don’t have to attend. Am I just doomed to biting my tongue?

MyNameIsNot

Gee, I can't imagine why she didn't want to discuss this with you before it was a done deal. /s

banana468

There has to be more at play here.  Can you think as to WHY these are her answers?? 

ei34

This definitely strikes me as a "there's more than one side to every story" scenarios.

banana468

ei34 said:

This definitely strikes me as a "there's more than one side to every story" scenarios.

Like "My oldest son"? Maybe there's something at play there?

Also, a 20 person wedding is TINY.  Like, that wouldn't even be all the siblings and their partners for some of DH's cousins.  If DH and I did that and planned today to get married with the living family members we had 20 years ago it would have only left me 6 guests if I DID invite my parents, grandmother and brother.  

Years ago a good friend got married, emphasized it was no kids and her SIL refused to leave the kids for the ceremony.  Friend picked her battles and the kids were there and they were typical kids.  Sometimes not every place is kid friendly. 

levioosa

"My oldest son" is giving way older kid from a previous marriage that daughter isn't even close to and maybe didn't even grow up with them in same house. 

For sure there is more to the story. But in the meantime you can bean dip, "I understand you are upset, but I am not involved in the planning process. Did you hear we might have an El Nino year?"