You guys are 40...

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

I am blessed to be taking my dream trip to celebrate my 40th birthday, alongside quite a few friends—nine people total. My philosophy is any of my closer friends could join the trip which involves two weeks of international travel. One of my friends, “Neil,” is the last to confirm joining the trip. I’m excited, but my best friend, “Steve,” is not pleased Neil is coming because of a comment Neil made to him in the past. The comment was about the size of Steve’s arms getting bigger. Knowing Neil, I take the comment as bigger from muscle (Steve works out multiple times a week). But Steve was hurt because he took it as Neil calling him fat.

For background, Neil is, and has been as long as I’ve known him, very trim. Steve has lost over half his body weight. He has done an amazing job keeping active and the weight off. I am a large guy myself, and know how Steve feels: When you’re big, sometimes people think they are complimenting you but it makes you feel more self-conscious. Steve wants me to talk to Neil and ask Neil to apologize for the comment and to not comment about body size on the trip. The latter is easy, a simple “hey, some people are sensitive to comments on bodies, so the only compliments on appearance should be ‘you look great today.’” But I’m not sure how to broker an apology for something that happened years ago that I doubt Neil remembers. I want to have everyone in a good place before the trip starts, so any tips on how to start the conversation?

levioosa

Oh man, Steve needs some therapy for his body image if he is still holding onto this years later. I pretty much guarantee the comment was meant to be positive, too. H called me homely once and I got offended before he was like "because you're my home! Homely!" I was like yeah, dude, that's not how that word works, lol. So our argument became about the meaning of the word and now it's a running joke but even when I was offended I knew he had meant it in a positive way, and not a malicious one. 

banana468

levioosa said:

Oh man, Steve needs some therapy for his body image if he is still holding onto this years later. I pretty much guarantee the comment was meant to be positive, too. H called me homely once and I got offended before he was like "because you're my home! Homely!" I was like yeah, dude, that's not how that word works, lol. So our argument became about the meaning of the word and now it's a running joke but even when I was offended I knew he had meant it in a positive way, and not a malicious one. 

Yeah - you guys are adults.  No one should be brokering apologies here. 

MyNameIsNot

Nope. "I understand why that hurt your feelings and I'd certainly understand if you want to bring it up with Neil before the trip, but this is not something I'm going to insert myself into."