Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions

Honoring Mother of the Groom

I am engaged to a man who's mother passed away close to three years ago. I want to honor her in our memory not only for my fiance but for his family. I never had the pleasure of meeting her. I do know that I am going to set her picture with her favorite flowers on the first chair during our ceremony.

I was curious if anyone else had any other ideas. I know that my fiance is definitely grieved at the thought of not having his momma with him during this most special time in our life and I'm am broken hearted for him.

Thanks,
Courtney

Re: Honoring Mother of the Groom

  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    edited October 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_honoring-mother-of-the-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:648567b8-762e-4846-a115-c1719092ba93Post:60f670e6-9e2d-48fb-9fe3-202b8edcca5c">Honoring Mother of the Groom</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am engaged to a man who's mother passed away close to three years ago. I want to honor her in our memory not only for my fiance but for his family. I never had the pleasure of meeting her. I do know that I am going to <strong>set her picture with her favorite flowers on the first chair during our ceremony</strong>. I was curious if anyone else had any other ideas. I know that my fiance is definitely grieved at the thought of not having his momma with him during this most special time in our life and I'm am broken hearted for him. Thanks, Courtney
    Posted by Firthc2[/QUOTE]

    Please, please, please, do not do this.

    Your wedding is about you and FI and tributes/memorials to deceased individuals should be subtle.

    Think about your poor FFIL who would (presumably) have to sit next to that. How depressing.

    Could you ask your FI if there is anything he has of his mothers that you could use as your "something borrowed"? A necklace, bracelet, handkerchief, etc?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_honoring-mother-of-the-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:648567b8-762e-4846-a115-c1719092ba93Post:60f670e6-9e2d-48fb-9fe3-202b8edcca5c">Honoring Mother of the Groom</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am engaged to a man who's mother passed away close to three years ago. I want to honor her in our memory not only for my fiance but for his family. I never had the pleasure of meeting her<strong>. I do know that I am going to set her picture with her favorite flowers on the first chair during our ceremony.</strong> I was curious if anyone else had any other ideas. I know that my fiance is definitely grieved at the thought of not having his momma with him during this most special time in our life and I'm am broken hearted for him. Thanks, Courtney
    Posted by Firthc2[/QUOTE]

    Oh for the love of all that is holy do not do this.

    I know your intentions are good but the reality is that they are unintentionally cruel.  I don't think your FI needs to see an empty chair where his mother would have been.  Also, imagine how heartbreaking it would be for her husband to be sitting a this wedding with his heart already being ripped out because the woman to whom he had pledged his life is not there next to him and then having to look at that empty chair.  It is also going to hurt other children, siblings, basically anyone who loved her.

    I would see if your FI would like his mom's favorite flower as his bout.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Memorials should be dignified and quiet. The flower on an empty chair idea is so morbid. Your fi and FFIL do not need such an obvious reminder of their loss. Have her favorite flowers incorporated into the altar floral arrangements or reception centerpieces. Make a donation to her church or favorite charity. If you like, you may note that in your programs.
                       
  • I agree with all the ladies.  My dad died about 4 years before my wedding.  I put his pic in a locket that was attached to my bouquet.  My MOH also did a toast to him during her speech.  
  • This can go one of two ways.
    One way... they see the chair with the picture on it and tell you how lovely the sentiment is and how much they appreciate your memorial.

    The other way... they take one look at the chair and burst in tears at the reminder that she can not be in that chair.

    Have you asked them what they think of your idea?
    image
  • Your heart is in a good place, and I don't think the pic on the chair is THAT bad of an idea (wasn't expecting the reaction from the other knot-ties). I guess I wouldn't do it unless the family is accepting of the idea? I've actually seen the "chair" thing done a couple of times at weddings (not with the framed pic but just an empty seat with a flower)

    We are in a similar situation, so I'm looking into something to do as well to honor the memory of those that cannot be there with us. We will mention something brief in the program, but I have also seen little picture frame charms incorporated in bouquets/boutonnieres. 
  • It's definitely a difficult situation (I'm sorry for a lack of words to better describe it)- you want to do something to have them be a part of the day in some way, but don't want to be insensitive, depressing...(as I mentioned before, my fiance and I are thinking of a way to honor a very close loved one who has passed)

    Is there a way to have something that reminds you of that person but is very subtle? something even that some people wouldn't realize? Like, have their favorite flower in your bouquet, or their favorite drink as your signature drink. Something that doesn't take away the meaning of the day but just a little something there? Not drawing attention to it, but those really close might notice and think it was nice?
  • I am a MOB who was orphaned as a child, then lost the guardians who raised me, as well as 2 of my 3 bio siblings.  I know loss.

    Please, do NOT do this.  Your heart is in the right place but this will backfire badly.  Your poor FFIL has to deal with going through his son's wedding without his wife.  He does NOT need an empty chair and flowers staring him in the face.  You also have to keep in mind many other people.

    Imagine your FI standing there with you, kinda lost in the moment of the vows and wedding - and he looks over and sees the empty chair.  Knife in the heart.

    Then there are any siblings of your FI, your FMIL's siblings, parents, long time friends, etc.  These people all will be dealing with this loss in the back of their minds as they attend your wedding.  A myriad of people could be really hurt by this.

    Again, your heart is in the right place, but this is a bad idea.  If FI wants his mother remembered in a special way then he needs to get together with his family members and decide what is best.  I mean this as nicely as I can, but you need to back out of this one and mind your own business.  A lot of peoples hearts are on the line here and this could really crush them.
  • It would break my heart if that was my husband/father/mother/etc. that was not there and there was an empty chair. I'd have to leave. 

    Your heart is in the right place, but this is not a good idea.
  • What we did was have pictures of our parents on their wedding days in front of the unity water at our ceremony.  That way, my late MIL's picture was there but because of the setting, it wasn't any type of memorial.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_honoring-mother-of-the-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:648567b8-762e-4846-a115-c1719092ba93Post:e18dabea-2964-42c3-a834-05acb399ee0a">Re:Honoring Mother of the Groom</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Honoring Mother of the Groom: Yes, but have you ever been to a wedding where it was YOUR mother, daughter, sister, spouse that the empty chair was for? Seriously, memorials look nice to people who aren't especially close to the deceased, but they are most often painful and heartrending to those who suffered the most from the death. At our wedding, DH had a memorial candle for his mother next to the guestbook in the foyer, so it was there but not front and center for the ceremony. Our parents lit the tapers for the unity candle off of it, and that was all the reminder he wanted because it was so very painful for him. He cleared the candle with his dad and siblings first and his sister agreed that was fine but asked not to have her mentioned during the ceremony, which was fine. My grandmother that I was very close to passed 3 months before my wedding and I did not have a single memorial to her because it was too painful. My brother was married 2 years later and they did a whole thing of someone carrying a flower to the altar for each lost loved one and explaining who it was for. 3 people had to leave the ceremony they were so upset. Seriously, before you do ANY sort of memorial, you need to have the immediate family on board. And even then, something as in your face as an empty chair is really more morbid than sweet. Would you do that at Christmas dinner?
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Yes, I have.

    </div>
  • Pinterest had several good choices for honoring deceased parents at a wedding. A single lit candle with a placard with an appropriate quote mightbe a better option.or if is father is still living handing him a single white rose before saying your vows.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_honoring-mother-of-the-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:648567b8-762e-4846-a115-c1719092ba93Post:c2a48bb7-09f0-4514-b5f8-347d8662cf6d">Re:Honoring Mother of the Groom</a>:
    [QUOTE]Pinterest had several good choices for honoring deceased parents at a wedding. A <strong>single lit candle with a placard</strong> with an appropriate quote mightbe a better option.or <strong>if is father is still living handing him a single white rose before saying your vows.
    </strong>Posted by purpleperry[/QUOTE]

    How are either of these any less heartbreaking?  They're not.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    While it's kind of you to want to honor your FI's deceased mother at your wedding, this is not a good way to go about it.  It calls too much attention to her absence and the reason for it, and adds notes of intense sadness to what should be a happy occasion.  As much as you and your FI wish she could be there, your wedding is not a memorial service for the deceased and otherwise absent.

    Mentioning his mother in a wedding program, a mention in a speech, or some other subtle reference, would be a more appropriate way of honoring her than any really visible "empty seat," or "unused setting"-type gestures.  Such gestures are just too in-your-face.
  • This isn't a good idea. My FH's parents have past away and several members of my family that I am close to. To honor them we are going to purchase a vase that has a very nice poem on it. At the reception we are going to display it with our family member's pictures 4 ppl. It is our wedding but without these ppl we wouldn't be who we are today.
  • How do I delete this post so I don't have to look at these comments again?
  • You got some great advice here.  Why would you delete it?  This will be very helpful to other brides.  Deleting posts is not taken well here.
    Iloveshanej
  • edited October 2012
    I dont think ANYTHING is taken well here. you all sound like nasty, bitter, overstressed women. Definitely not kind remarks. Most told me what not to do. Not what I could do that would be nice.

    My finces sister. . . Who lost her mother right along with my finace is the one that suggested the chair and picture and flower. FOR HER OWN MOTHER

    This is my first post and definitely my last seeing the kind of responses you get around "here".
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_honoring-mother-of-the-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:648567b8-762e-4846-a115-c1719092ba93Post:6298cf3c-a416-4cdc-8f4c-1a022baf513f">Re: Honoring Mother of the Groom</a>:
    [QUOTE]I dont think ANYTHING is taken well here. you all sound like nasty, bitter, overstressed women. Definitely not kind remarks. Most told me what not to do. Not what I could do that would be nice. My finces sister. . . Who lost her mother right along with my finace is the one that suggested the chair and picture and flower. FOR HER OWN MOTHER This is my first post and definitely my last seeing the kind of responses you get around "here".
    Posted by Firthc2[/QUOTE]

    No one's being nasty.  We're telling you how as family members and guests we would feel to see this done at a wedding.

    That your fiance's sister wants to do this doesn't negate the feelings of others who feel that this would be too macabre for what should be a happy occasion.  It shouldn't be a memorial service.  There are appropriate ways to honor the deceased at a wedding that doesn't make others feel sad or uncomfortable, and we are suggesting that you look into those and just tell your fiance's sister, "Thanks, but we don't want to make anyone feel sad or uncomfortable on what should be a happy day.  So rather than use an empty chair, we'll honor her in a different, more subtle way."
  • You seriously need to work on your reading comprehension skills. Most of us gave you alternatives and/or told you how we handled this with our own wedding.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_honoring-mother-of-the-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:648567b8-762e-4846-a115-c1719092ba93Post:6298cf3c-a416-4cdc-8f4c-1a022baf513f">Re: Honoring Mother of the Groom</a>:
    [QUOTE]I dont think ANYTHING is taken well here. you all sound like nasty, bitter, overstressed women. Definitely not kind remarks. Most told me what not to do. Not what I could do that would be nice. My finces sister. . . Who lost her mother right along with my finace is the one that suggested the chair and picture and flower. FOR HER OWN MOTHER This is my first post and definitely my last seeing the kind of responses you get around "here".
    Posted by Firthc2[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>In all honesty, I think your FSIL's grief is so fresh she is making choices that will hurt other people.  We are trying to get you not to do the same thing.

    </div>
  • Why not try to find a picture of her with her family not just alone.

     
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_honoring-mother-of-the-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:648567b8-762e-4846-a115-c1719092ba93Post:a3d903cf-613a-4b6b-9d6b-ad334ab724c0">Re: Honoring Mother of the Groom</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why not try to find a picture of her with her family not just alone.
    Posted by iloveu4ever[/QUOTE]

    Most people here are suggesting that no picture be used as a "tribute" to the deceased.  There are better ways to honor their memories.
  • My fiance also lost his mother to lung cancer several years ago.  And no offense to the people who posted, but I disagree with you completely.  We will also be doing a memorial gesture to honor his mom.  My mom will be carrying down a candle to represent his mom's presence.  I can completely empathize with you and think the flower on a chair is a fabulous idea.  I understand what you are going to because I also never got to meet my fiance's mother.  I know this was posted a while ago, but I really hope you didn't listen to the negative comments and followed your heart!  All I know is I will be honoring his mom for my wedding.  You, however, have to do what is best for you.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My fiance also lost his mother to lung cancer several years ago.  And no offense to the people who posted, but I disagree with you completely.  We will also be doing a memorial gesture to honor his mom.  My mom will be carrying down a candle to represent his mom's presence.  I can completely empathize with you and think the flower on a chair is a fabulous idea.  I understand what you are going to because I also never got to meet my fiance's mother.  I know this was posted a while ago, but I really hope you didn't listen to the negative comments and followed your heart!  All I know is I will be honoring his mom for my wedding.  You, however, have to do what is best for you.

    @kstradling, PLEASE reconsider doing this on your wedding day.  There is a very big difference between a remembrance and a memorial.  The last thing you want to do on your wedding day for yourself and to your guests (because this day is just not about YOU) is to turn it into a memorial service.

    Seeing someone carry a candle to represent someone's presence is a sad thing to view. Highlighting an empty chair to represent someone's loss is also an incredibly sad thing to do.  Why would you want to bring sadness to such a joyful occasion?  Have you considered the impact it will have on other people in attendance?  Those who mourn her loss will already be attending with a heavy heart.  To have such overt and dramatic displays is actually inappropriate and inconsiderate to your guests.

    Carry a picture with her in your bouquet.  The groom could wear a pocket square made from fabric his mom may have left behind. You could make a simple tribute to her in your wedding programs.  You could incorporate her favorite flower or color into your floral or color choices.  If you are having a religious ceremony you could play one of her favorite hymns.  At the reception you and your FI could dance to one of her (upbeat) favorite songs.  You could incorporate one of her favorite foods at your cocktail hour or at dinner.  

    There are many ways to remember someone without turning your wedding into a funeral and without forcing your guests to relive their grief.  Please think of the bigger picture.

    And I can assure you that someone that created a post over a year ago will not be reading this thread.  Please also reconsider resurrecting dead threads.  
    Dreamergirl8812
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards