Issue with Pastors

elsaann18

Hello All,
I need advice and some guidance. My finace and I will be getting married on May 5, 2012 at his Uncle's estate. We are not haveing the ceremony in a chucrh.
Okay, so here is the issue. We decided to ask my childhood pastor to marry us. He was the pastor of my church for 20+ years and was a very close family friend. A few years ago he and his wife moved to NC where he is now an interim pastor for a church down there. I decided because I had a great realationship with him to ask him to marry us instead of my current pastor. (My old pastor is a man while my new one is a female so when i refer to her and him you will know which one is which!)
Unfortunaly I do not really have an established relationship with my current pastor. We have never really had the chance to get to know one another and we just do not click.
So, I went ahead and asked my childhood pastor and to tell the truth he did not seem overly thrilled to be asked. I did not get the sense that it was something he was as exited about as I was. Later I found out some more details. He had married my sisiter 3 years ago in a a differnt church and had apparently received some negative comments from my current pastor for performing the cermony. My current pastor felt that is has unprofessional and inconsiderate that he had performed the ceremony even though it was not in her church.
I spoke with my old pastor and told him if he was uncomfortable with performing the ceremony i understood 100% and it was perfectly okay. He assured me he wanted to do it but just wanted to go by the rules. The rules being that I need to get permission from my current pastor for my old pastor to marry us.
So now I need to go to my new pastor and let her know A) I am not getting her to marry us and she has to give her permission....
Technically I am not a member of the church so even if she says no it is not really binding, but still it has made a completly awkward and sensitive issue for me.
Also, part of me doesn't even want my old pastor to marry us. He never seemed that excited and keeps telling me all these things I need to do so he can perform the ceremony. I just wish I had not asked him to officiate and just attend the wedding as a guest.
I am at a complete loss, I need to speak with my new pastor and tell her that I do not want her playing a roll in my wedding and then I have to deal with my old pastor who doens't seem overly thrilled with the idea...
What I am asking from you all is what should I do? You cannot un-ask a old family frined to not marry you, but then again my finace and I feel really uncomfortable with the whole situation.
Sorry for the VERY LONG explanation.
Please help!

freebread03

I'm not religious, so I can't really say what is "pastor marriage etiquette", but that sounds really unprofessional of your current pastor.  I'd address this with my current pastor-not asking her if it was ok but telling her that you will be married by Pastor X and that you're happy to attend her church in your married life or something like that.  If she makes an issue of it, that's her problem.  And I'd probably be shopping for a new church.

elsaann18

I know. The whole situtation has been escalated and it has created a completly unnessary situation. I just need to bite the bullet, be upfront with her and tell her that she is not going to marry we and I gues see how it goes.
Thank you for the response.

Avion22

I think it's perfectly understandable that you want your childhood pastor to marry you, especially considering he also performed your sister's wedding.   I think you should tell your current pastor that it would mean a lot to have this old pastor marry you, and that you want to get her blessing.   Shouldn't be a big deal since you're not a member of her church, and you're getting married on a private estate anyway, but sounds like she'd appreciate being asked for her blessing anyway (a little bit weird, but I guess it doesn't hurt to humor her).

I bet your old pastor probably IS thrilled to do it, but doesn't want to get another nasty phone call from the new pastor.

freebread03

CMGr, that's crazy that the Methodist denomination is so strict!  I grew up Methodist (not super religious though and I haven't been to church since I was about 15), and I always thought the Methodists were so laid back!  I learn something every day.

ElisabethJoanne

The one thing I'd add to CMGr, is I think it's unfair to ask you to play go-between regarding details of the Book of Discipline. I'd recommend copying both pastors on an e-mail along the lines of "I'm confused. We've asked [old pastor] to officiate at our wedding on X date at Y place, and he's agreed, but we understand there are additional procedures that must be followed for [old pastor] to officiate." Then let the pastors respond. Hopefully, they'll respond politely and clearly via "reply all," and the way forward will be clear. At the very least you'll have both perspectives.

If they don't have e-mail, do something close via back-to-back phone calls, letting both pastors know you're in close touch with the other.

jsherm001427315814

nice

Soon2BeMrsTing

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_issue-pastors?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:6825f8a6-474e-4840-92b2-6fbb42bb6991Post:48c21322-07c8-44a9-8d17-131feba37649">Issue with Pastors</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello All, I need advice and some guidance. My finace and I will be getting married on May 5, 2012 at his Uncle's estate. We are not haveing the ceremony in a chucrh. Okay, so here is the issue. We decided to ask my childhood pastor to marry us. He was the pastor of my church for 20+ years and was a very close family friend. A few years ago he and his wife moved to NC where he is now an interim pastor for a church down there. I decided because I had a great realationship with him to ask him to marry us instead of my current pastor. (My old pastor is a man while my new one is a female so when i refer to her and him you will know which one is which!) Unfortunaly I do not really have an established relationship with my current pastor. We have never really had the chance to get to know one another and we just do not click. So, I went ahead and asked my childhood pastor and to tell the truth he did not seem overly thrilled to be asked. I did not get the sense that it was something he was as exited about as I was. Later I found out some more details. He had married my sisiter 3 years ago in a a differnt church and had apparently received some negative comments from my current pastor for performing the cermony. My current pastor felt that is has unprofessional and inconsiderate that he had performed the ceremony even though it was not in her church. I spoke with my old pastor and told him if he was uncomfortable with performing the ceremony i understood 100% and it was perfectly okay. He assured me he wanted to do it but just wanted to go by the rules. The rules being that I need to get permission from my current pastor for my old pastor to marry us. So now I need to go to my new pastor and let her know A) I am not getting her to marry us and B) she has to give her permission.... <strong>Technically I am not a member of the church so even if she says no it is not really binding,</strong> but still it has made a completly awkward and sensitive issue for me. Also, part of me doesn't even want my old pastor to marry us. He never seemed that excited and keeps telling me all these things I need to do so he can perform the ceremony. I just wish I had not asked him to officiate and just attend the wedding as a guest. I am at a complete loss, I need to speak with my new pastor and tell her that I do not want her playing a roll in my wedding and then I have to deal with my old pastor who doens't seem overly thrilled with the idea... What I am asking from you all is what should I do? You cannot un-ask a old family frined to not marry you, but then again my finace and I feel really uncomfortable with the whole situation. Sorry for the VERY LONG explanation. Please help!
Posted by elsaann18[/QUOTE]

I am a member of an Evangelical Covenant church, and have little understanding of United Methodist church rules.

That said, OP stated clearly that she is <em>not</em> a member of her current pastor's congregation.  That being the case, I think she could ask anyone she wants.  It's unfortunate that the childhood pastor is in an awkward position now because of the history with OP's sister and also the expecatations of the current pastor/church.  Frankly, I'm surprised that the current pastor would discourage the childhood pastor from marrying OP and her FI if he really has such a long history with OP. 

H and I were married by a minister who had known both of us separately for many years.  When I explained the situation to my pastor, who is wonderful but who had not had the opportunity to get to know H well because our relationship blossomed while we were living overseas, he was not offended in the least but was completely understanding and supportive.

I think that if the childhood pastor must decline, then OP will have to accept this and look for another officiant.  It's an unfortunate situation, and one which seems a bit odd to me from the outside looking in. 

LuckyHeather

Have you considered having both of them officiate?  A couple we know had both her childhood pastor, and their current pastor officiate.  They agreed to it, both understood the importance of the other to the couple.  It all worked out.

If that is not an option, then I would just be honest with your current pastor and let her know how you feel.  Obviously if your childhood pastor said he would do it "if"...then he IS open to the idea, provided he doesn't feel like he is stepping on her toes. 

Good luck!

elsaann18

Hello All,
I am sorry to not  have posted back to you all sooner.
To clear up a few things:
1) I am actually Presbyterian, not Methodist
2) I am currently not a member of my Chuch. My parents are both members and I never officially became a member. While I still consider myself to "belong" to the church and call them my "church family" I am not obligated to follow the rules. However I want to be considerate of everyone and not cause further controversy.
3) My former pastor said in our initail concverstations that my Finace and I will need to complete pre-marital couseling with him prior to the wedding.

I think I have made the decision to talk with my current pastor, explain my feelings and be straight forward with her. I have decided that whether she gives me her blessing or not that i really am not comfortable with her performing my marriage ceremony. I will then go back to my former pastor, let him know the what she said and go from there...any suggestions or additional words of advice?
Thank you all!

mrandmrsk91011

Since you are not a member of the congregation, formally, you do not need to ask her permission to have your childhood pastor officiate your wedding, especially since the wedding is not on church property.  However, I think you are doing the right thing by being courteous and speaking with her about it.  I pray that she does also does the right thing by not taking offense as, 1- you are not a member of that congregation (formally), 2- the ceremony is not taking place on church property.  

If the conversation with your current pastor goes well, I would request that she write a note stating that she is fine with having your childhood pastor officiate your wedding...for the peace of mind of all involved.

As a pastor, I know how sticky these things can be when the right personalities get involved.  My prayers are with you on this.