Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions

My friends are getting married, should the Unity Sand include their son or just his son?

They want to do unity sand ceremony and aren't sure who should be involved. He has a kid from a past relationship (5 yr old) and they have one together (a year old).  She thinks it should be all 4 of them and he thinks it should be just them bringing in the step child to the marriage, since the other boy is already "theirs". Please tell me what you  think and why, so I can pass it onto the bride. Thank you

Re: My friends are getting married, should the Unity Sand include their son or just his son?

  • Well, I'd say to make it just the bride and groom, or no sand pouring at all.

    A 1 year old can't really "do" anything anyway except have someone hold him while they pour sand.  And as you said he's THEIR child.  They were a family the second that child was born, whether or not they were married.  So it doesn't make any sense to have a part of their wedding that symbolizes that they're now a family.  They have been for a year.

    And I'm not a fan of little kids, and that's the 5 year old, being included in wedding ceremonies.  Weddings are about 2 consenting adults making vows to each other.  For good or bad, their kids from previous relationships are along for the ride. 

    They don't really have a say, and in addition, a 5 year old is not at all able to comprehend or make a "vow" of any kind.  They just don't have the developmental capacity for it yet.

    So I'd either have just the bride & groom do the sand thing, or I'd skip it altogether.

    Have a family photo taken after the ceremony.  Have a family dance at the reception with the two boys and their mommy and daddy.  Have the 5 year old as the ring bearer.   There are plenty of ways to make sure that the children are recognized that day.

    Just not as a part of the ceremony.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Trix is one smart lady.  I agree with what she said 100%.
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  • I generally don't like including children in the ceremony, but I particularly dislike children from other relationships being involved in a unity ceremony.  I think it is really disrespectful to the child's mother to have him take part in a ceremony to make him "theirs".  Unless she has died, the 5 year old still has a mother and it is out of line to try to replace her.
  • The sand ceremony should be just the bride & groom.  The wedding is between the couple and not the couples' children. And everything else Trix said. 
    Crosswalk
  • I think the union of a man and woman includes the union of any and all of their kids

    I agress that a child that is less than 4 should be excluded because they prob won't know what is going on.

    But I think it is nice to include them in the ceromony because they are also becoming part of a new family, not just the man and woman. 

    That is just my two cents :-D


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  • Personally I think it should be all 4 of them because the sand ceremony sybolizes family, which they all now officially are. When children have already been born a wedding is about family, not just the bride and groom.

    While it won't be meaningful to the kids now, years from now when they see the photos it will all make sense.
  • I agree with the masses, just the bride and groom.
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  • I would do just the bride and groom, and maybe include the 5 year old in some other way.  Maybe have him come up and have extra vows that you promis to be a good step mom to him, and you are happy to be joining his family.  You are not replacing his mom, but being added to a great family. 
  • I think there are a couple of options:

    All 4 present for the Unity Sand - if you're going to include children, include all children.  It seems weird to make a clear distinction between the children of "already ours" and "his" in this way. 

    Just Bride & Groom for the Unity Sand & include the children in another way.  I like the idea of a family dance at the reception. 
  • I think the sand ceremony should be just the Bride and Groom because it is a union between the bride and groom, not the rest of the children.

    There are other ways of including the older child.  When my father got remarried, I was his flower girl, and my older sister was a junior bridesmaid.  When my mother got remarried, my sister and I were her only bridesmaids.  So, the older child could be a part of the ceremony that way.  Also, I have seen a few times on tv, where the bride and groom give something to the child (like a locket, probably not something a son would want, but something like that) and/or make vows to care and love for the child.  That may be another way to bring the child into the ceremony , without the child making promises or anything, just the dad and step-mom. 

    Also, as someone else stated, unless the child's mother has passed or is otherwise out of the picture, your friend and her fiance should strive to make sure they aren't doing anything that makes it seem like your friend is replacing the mother, but, as a new family member, with different roles than his mother.

    Andria

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_friends-getting-married-should-unity-sand-include-their-son-just-his-son?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:693e9fa9-381a-42b2-b3ca-b38281a8c714Post:876ba7e6-0381-45be-8f2b-da9bb5f475a8">Re: My friends are getting married, should the Unity Sand include their son or just his son?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think the sand ceremony should be just the Bride and Groom because it is a union between the bride and groom, not the rest of the children. There are other ways of including the older child.  When my father got remarried, I was his flower girl, and my older sister was a junior bridesmaid.  When my mother got remarried, my sister and I were her only bridesmaids.  So, the older child could be a part of the ceremony that way. <strong> Also, I have seen a few times on tv, where the bride and groom give something to the child (like a locket, probably not something a son would want, but something like that) and/or make vows to care and love for the child. </strong> That may be another way to bring the child into the ceremony , without the child making promises or anything, just the dad and step-mom.  Also, as someone else stated, unless the child's mother has passed or is otherwise out of the picture, your friend and her fiance should strive to make sure they aren't doing anything that makes it seem like your friend is replacing the mother, but, as a new family member, with different roles than his mother. Andria
    Posted by nnoble4[/QUOTE]

    I find it surprising that you would consider pouring sand something for only bride and groom, but don't have a problem with them making vows to children during a ceremony.

    I think both are inappropriate, BTW.  Have children in the WP?  Fine.  Have them in the ceremony itself?  Nope.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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