Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions
Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions
New Discussion

Please Help, Need feedback

marie822marie822
First Comment
in Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions
My fiance and I can't afford a wedding reception. We've decided to throw just a ceremony and champange toast afterwards.

Is it appropriate to hold a bridal shower, if we aren't going to be hosting a reception?
Report Reply to Post

Re: Please Help, Need feedback

  • cschuma2cschuma2 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited June 2010
    No.  It's not appropriate to invite people to a ceremony and not host a reception for them afterwards either.
    imageDaisypath Anniversary tickers
    Report Reply
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    No.  Neither is okay.

    You can have a wedding without a reception.  You and your FI go to the courthouse and get married.  Boom.  No reception needed.  You and your new DH go out to lunch together.

    As soon as you invite people to the ceremony, though, you need a reception.  It can be cake and punch in the church fellowship hall, or a pizza party in the back room of the local pizza place after the courthouse.

    But a champagne toast doesn't qualify as a reception of any sort.

    And then, if you don't have a reception, you forfeit the chance to have a shower. 
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
    Report Reply
  • gottahavashortigottahavashorti member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    If you invite guests to the ceremony, you must also invite them to the reception.  It can be as simple as homemade sheet cake and punch.  From the Dollar Tree, that will probably cost less than buying champagne.

    The bride does not host the bridal shower, and bridal shower guests must also be invited to the ceremony and reception.  Without a reception, pre-wedding parties and invitating guests to the ceremony would be inappropriate.
    image

    Planning/Married Biology
    Report Reply
  • vsgalvsgal member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_please-need-feedback?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:70c0ae4a-259a-4928-9c2e-a14c2fa65b14Post:23cbb014-3834-4e22-8aa4-a43e5771a425">Please Help, Need feedback</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance and I can't afford a wedding reception. We've decided to throw just a ceremony and champange toast afterwards. Is it appropriate to hold a bridal shower, if we aren't going to be hosting a reception?
    Posted by marie822[/QUOTE]

    You are 18 months away.  You have plenty of time to put some money aside.You need to have some kind of reception for your guests.  Whether it be cake and punch or a sit-down dinner, you must do something.  The whole point of the reception is to say thank you to the people that spent the day with you. Even if you only invite family, you have to do more than a champange toast. If you can't afford to have a reception, then don't invite anyone to the wedding.

    You do not get a shower either.  That is one of the things that you give up when you do a JOP wedding, which is what you are basically doing.  You get no pre-wedding parties, including showers or bach. parties.
    ROCK IS KING!!
    Report Reply
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    If you can't afford to provide some sort of hospitality after the ceremony, even just cake and punch, you can't afford to invite people to witness it.  Period.

    The bride shouldn't have any involvement with the shower beyond providing a list of wedding guests and figuring out a date and time when she can attend.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
    Report Reply
  • marie822marie822
    First Comment
    WOW... I didn't realize that I would get riped apart for asking a simple question.

    It's presumptious to assume that I and my fiance can just "save up" $5000, $10000, or $20000 over the course of 18 months.

    I also used champagne toast as an example, of course I would provide some sort of cake or dessert. I am not a heathen.

    And I'm taken aback by the willingness to exclude my friends and family from one of the most important moments of my life, just because I can't afford to pay for their dinner.

    Thank you for all your comments, I will not be asking anymore questions on these forums.
    Report Reply
  • vsgalvsgal member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_please-need-feedback?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:70c0ae4a-259a-4928-9c2e-a14c2fa65b14Post:26434277-6751-4262-bce0-177797b3d723">Re: Please Help, Need feedback</a>:
    [QUOTE]WOW... I didn't realize that I would get riped apart for asking a simple question. It's presumptious to assume that I and my fiance can just "save up" $5000, $10000, or $20000 over the course of 18 months. I also used champagne toast as an example, of course I would provide some sort of cake or dessert. I am not a heathen. And I'm taken aback by the willingness to exclude my friends and family from one of the most important moments of my life, just because I can't afford to pay for their dinner. Thank you for all your comments, I will not be asking anymore questions on these forums.
    Posted by marie822[/QUOTE]


    Take a chill pill!  Nobody ripped you apart.  We were honest with you. We don't sugar coat things around here.  Let me tell you how the boards work.  We respond based on what information you provide.  In your own words, you were only supplying a champagne toast.  At no point was there any mention of cake or desserts.  So if you exclude important information from the original post, wecan't get inside you head and see what you meant to say.  We see what you wrote and we respond. 

    By the way $5000 is saving $70 a week, which is not that big of a deal.  My H recently got laid off, but we are still saving money each week to put in the IRA.  You can save it if you cut out all of the extra stuff.  You would be surprised how much money we blow on crap every week.   That being said, you can have a great event on $5000, $2000, or $1000 if you want to.  One of my favorite receptions that I attended came in at just under $3000. That was with dinner and drinks.
    ROCK IS KING!!
    Report Reply
  • blkbaronessblkbaroness member
    First Comment
    I have to say I am shocked and some what disgusted about how u ppl have responded to someone's innoccent question. I get it that ppl who want to get married should only think about what they can afford. I didnt know there was a handbook for spending so much money on a wedding and that u ppl sitting here with nothing to do all freakin day go around telling ppl if u aint got money go to a hole in the wall and get married. this is what u ppl have made marriage out to be, how much u spend on something. if my family member came to me and asked this question I would be happy they even invited me to a cermony. it's about the love of two ppl who want to spend their lives together not how much a plate costs. plz o plz take a good look at yourselves. u ppl are just down right materialist animals.
    Report Reply
  • vsgalvsgal member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited June 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_please-need-feedback?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:70c0ae4a-259a-4928-9c2e-a14c2fa65b14Post:6fa5eae1-4dbf-461b-b40b-65fb24c2d4cc">Re: Please Help, Need feedback</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have to say I am shocked and some what disgusted about how u ppl have responded to someone's innoccent question. I get it that ppl who want to get married should only think about what they can afford. I didnt know there was a handbook for spending so much money on a wedding and that u ppl sitting here with nothing to do all freakin day go around telling ppl if u aint got money go to a hole in the wall and get married. this is what u ppl have made marriage out to be, how much u spend on something. if my family member came to me and asked this question I would be happy they even invited me to a cermony. it's about the love of two ppl who want to spend their lives together not how much a plate costs. plz o plz take a good look at yourselves. u ppl are just down right materialist animals.
    Posted by blkbaroness[/QUOTE]

    That's nice.  She sent her friend in for reinforcements.  Still does not change the fact that you need to feed people something if they come to your wedding.  Nobody ever said that anyone had to spend a lot of money on a wedding, but <strong>YOU</strong> have to be polite.  Hell, my parents had a cake and punch weddding for less than $300.  They had 20 <strong>PEOPLE </strong>come to the event.  They are still married.  It is not about the money. <strong> PLEASE</strong> don't get all crazy because the correct etiquette gets pointed out.  It is unbecoming.
    ROCK IS KING!!
    Report Reply
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited June 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_please-need-feedback?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:70c0ae4a-259a-4928-9c2e-a14c2fa65b14Post:6fa5eae1-4dbf-461b-b40b-65fb24c2d4cc">Re: Please Help, Need feedback</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have to say I am shocked and some what disgusted about how u ppl have responded to someone's innoccent question. I get it that ppl who want to get married should only think about what they can afford. I didnt know there was a handbook for spending so much money on a wedding and that u ppl sitting here with nothing to do all freakin day go around telling ppl if u aint got money go to a hole in the wall and get married. this is what u ppl have made marriage out to be, how much u spend on something. if my family member came to me and asked this question I would be happy they even invited me to a cermony. it's about the love of two ppl who want to spend their lives together not how much a plate costs. plz o plz take a good look at yourselves. u ppl are just down right materialist animals.
    Posted by blkbaroness[/QUOTE]

    Since you're a newbie, I'm going to give you a little advice.  These boards are honest.  Blunt perhaps, but definitely honest.  If you don't like the honesty of an international board, may I suggest you go to a local or to wedding wire?  They tend to be less honest.  They'll affirm bad ideas for you.

    Here we'll tell you what your guests will be thinking, but won't tell you to your face.  That's because they have to worry about hurting your feelings.  We don't.  So our advice is usually more worth hearing.

    Now, did you miss the part of the title that said "Need feedback"?  It didn't say "Please help affirm the choice I'm making".

    She was given feedback, nothing more.  When you put a question out, people respond, as pp said, to exactly what's written.  And then they give feedback, especially when it's asked for.

    And one last piece of advice.  Please:  you're writing like a 14 year old texting on a cell phone.  If you want to be taken seriously around here, stop using text speak.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
    Report Reply
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    I just read the responses to the OP.  There wasn't a single one that RIPPED her apart. They were all polite, honest, and helpful answers to the question asked.  I'd like to know what OP and then the other text speak post found so cruel.


    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
    Report Reply
  • vsgalvsgal member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Because, Trix, we did not tell her that she was right.  As far as text speak post, I don't know.  Maybe she is used to puppies and rainbows.  She does not have the Knot skin yet. 
    ROCK IS KING!!
    Report Reply
  • gottahavashortigottahavashorti member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    How does several people saying that she needs to have a reception, even if it is cake and punch in the church hall, equate to tearing her apart or indicating that she must spend $5-20k on a wedding?

    Seriously, Dollar Tree cake mix and Hawaaian punch will go far.  And it could cost well under $50.  And as long as it's not during a meal time and the invitation indicates "cake and punch reception to follow" so that no one is expecting a meal, it's all good.

    OP, you indicated that the only thing following the ceremony was a champagne toast with no reception.  Once you put food in your guests' mouths, that is a reception, so you are indeed having a reception.
    image

    Planning/Married Biology
    Report Reply
  • kpwedkkkpwedkk member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_please-need-feedback?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:70c0ae4a-259a-4928-9c2e-a14c2fa65b14Post:23cbb014-3834-4e22-8aa4-a43e5771a425">Please Help, Need feedback</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance and I can't afford a wedding reception. We've decided to throw just a ceremony and champange toast afterwards. Is it appropriate to hold a bridal shower, if we aren't going to be hosting a reception?
    Posted by marie822[/QUOTE]

    I think you are gonna have to put your feet in the shoes of your guests.  Would they travel from near and far to witness your wedding,  to get a hotel, pay for airfare, rent a car, bring a gift or select something from your registry (if you have one), to just toast with champagne and cake afterwards?

    If you have 18 months, then every month you and your FI could be saving away some money - maybe for a house downpayment, and for your wedding, and reception.  18 months is a long time to begin your DIY projects, and save money on your wedding so that you could provide a little reception for your guests after your wedding. You could also taper down your guest list too :)

    Hope that helps!

    "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart." ~ Miss K ~
    Report Reply
  • EllenG27EllenG27
    First Comment

    marie822 - I think you'd be fine to throw a bridal shower! Yes, if you have over a year, so maybe you can save up something for a 'reception'. And remember - it can be untraditional! I see you live in New Jersey - so ask around on the local board and see what there could be. Something like a bowling alley, or restaurant, or club, or golfing....I'm just throwing things out.

    What my friends and family keep telling me - It's YOUR wedding! Do what pleases you and makes you happy. (aka - Don't listen to some of the people who are rude and don't know you at all!)


    Report Reply
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_please-need-feedback?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:70c0ae4a-259a-4928-9c2e-a14c2fa65b14Post:1284b571-248f-4be4-8047-a2267e5db0f1">Re: Please Help, Need feedback</a>:
    [QUOTE]marie822 - I think you'd be fine to throw a bridal shower! Yes, if you have over a year, so maybe you can save up something for a 'reception'. And remember - it can be untraditional! I see you live in New Jersey - so ask around on the local board and see what there could be. Something like a bowling alley, or restaurant, or club, or golfing....I'm just throwing things out. What my friends and family keep telling me - It's YOUR wedding! Do what pleases you and makes you happy. (aka - Don't listen to some of the people who are rude and don't know you at all!)
    Posted by EllenG27[/QUOTE]

    Ellen, what is considered appropriate or inappropriate doesn't change based on whether you know a person or not.  If my sister does something unseemly, it doesn't make it okay for me because I know her.

    And people were honest.  They were not rude.  They based their responses on what was originally written:  that she wasn't have any reception~just a toast after the ceremony.

     They told the OP that it's poor form to have a shower when you're not inviting them to celebrate your wedding.  And that doesn't change if I know the OP.

    I'm also from NJ.  And her idea is as bad an idea in NJ as it is in South Dakota or Arizona.

    You're pretty new here based on your post count.  Throwing the it's YOUR wedding out as a reason to do something disrespectful doesn't make it okay.

    It's YOUR wedding works only if the B&G are going somewhere completely alone.  As soon as they involve guests:  friends and/or family, they need to take those people into consideration as well.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
    Report Reply
  • HawkteacherHawkteacher member
    First Comment
    I have to agree with the advice given based on the original post.  There is ettiqute involved with weddings.  No reception = no shower.  You can't expect people to "shower" you with gifts when you are unwilling to host them in any way. 

    So, I'm glad to hear through your follow up post that you are planning on serving cake with your champagne.  This works as a reception which therefore means you can have a shower.   Enjoy your engagement and your wedding!  Also, know that you do have time to save some money.  Everyone can find someway to "tighten the belt" on spending if it really matters to them to save.  Maybe it doesn't matter to you and that's okay.

    Finally, please don't feel like anyone attacked you.  You asked a question and they answered honestly.  It just wasn't the response that you wanted.  While I agree that I have seen some nasty posters on this board, in this case I think your outrage is unwarranted.   
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards