Our Best Man Passed Away...

jenchav1977

Our best man recently passed away unexpectedly.  It has been a rough time, but we have decided to continue with the wedding.  My question is this:  We aren't sure exactly how to handle the situation in regard to the ceremony.  We don't want to replace him with another person.  We are considering placing a chair next to the groom and placing the flower he would have worn on the chair.  We don't want to make the situation any more sad for anyone, but feel that we should do something in rememberance.  Is this too much?

asialee2

I am so sorry to hear that! 

Most defiantly do not replace him, but you do want to feel his presence. Maybe a memorial candle, or if you have a relationship with his parents involve them into the ceremony? 

Some of your guests may be confused by the empty chair with a bout on it... possibly put a mention of him in the programs??

My brothers best friend, (like a little bro to me,) who was going to be a part of our wedding was swept away by a tide when he was in Hawaii last year. The thing that kept us going was saying that Bryce is "Swimming with the turtles" now, so I will have a turtle charm around my bouquet. 

Could you do anything like that??

=missy=

I love the idea with the chair and his flower. I think its very sweet. 

The memorial candle is a good idea also. Maybe even have a table in the entrance near your guest book with a candle, his picture, and his flower... and I'd make sure to include a little card or something saying that he's still the best man. 

I'm so sorry for your loss. 

altima50147

Hi. I'm sorry for your loss. I would suggest saying a poem or something to honor him at the ceremony or reception.

trix1223

I am so sorry for your loss.  I also think that your emotions are quite raw now and that it's hard to think about not having your friend at your wedding. 

Because your emotions are so near the surface right now, and because your wedding isn't until the end of September, I'd advise not thinking at all about what you'll do.  Give yourself time to absorb your loss without thinking of it in conjunction with your wedding.  This decision is, quite literally, something you can decide the week of the wedding.

Having said that, I really don't like at all the "empty chair" thing during the ceremony.  As your FI stands watching you walk down the aisle, he'll be acutely aware of that chair.  As you stand facing your FI during your vows, over his shoulder, you'll see that empty chair.  It's a really dominating image, and a very, very sad one.  It's terribly "in your face" for both you and your FI, the rest of your WP, and your guests.

One other thought:  would your Best Man have wanted that level of sadness and focus on HIM at your wedding?  My guess is he would not.

My mom died exactly 3 weeks to the day before our DD's wedding.  DD and grandma were very close, and our family was still grieving her loss.  Had we seen an empty chair, it would have completely changed the tone of the day. 

In addition, my mom would have KILLED us all for moving any attention from her beloved granddaughter to herself.

Finally, if your Best Man's family and/or other friends will be guests at your wedding, please think about the impact that any memorial will have on them.  I'd ask them before doing anything.

I'm really sorry that your friend died.

artbyallie

Everything trix said.

mollymcshea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_man-passed-away?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:7939873c-7647-475b-a47a-44c2e7e3ae97Post:9c98f7ea-2557-49a6-92eb-1a2f2f3437b6">Re: Our Best Man Passed Away...</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Everything trix said.</strong>
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Second this. </div><div>
</div><div>I am sorry for your loss. It will be sad that he isn't there, but it should be a happy day for you.</div>

jenchav1977

Thank you so much for your advice and kindness.  I will keep these comments in mind and give it a little more time before making any decisions.

[Deleted User]

I am so sorry to hear this.

I definitely ditto trix's advice.

Catwoman708

I'm sorry for your loss, that is so sad. 

While memorial gestrues seem to be a growing trend, I think there will always be death and sadness, and we've all lost someone, or will lose someone at some point.  To me, a wedding just does not seem like the time or place to make pointed, obvious memorials to the deceased.  It is a sad, and sometimes unexpected and unwelcome reminder of grief.  

We lost a close family member 6 months ago, and the grief still hits in waves at unexpected times.  It's hard enough to get in the mood to attend parties and happy occasions, and an overt reminder of them would not be easy to deal with in front of so many people.   

Something more discrete, like a memorial candle, some photos of him mixed in with happier photos, or an "in memory of" section in the program would seem more appropriate.

Lisa50

I'm so sorry that you and your fiance have experienced this loss.  My gut reaction, though, is that an empty chair and flower could be too "in your face" for many (it would be for me).  It is such a recent loss, scars are likely still very raw, very raw.

Again, I am very sorry for your loss.  Peace.  (((HUGS)))

SgtK9GF

HI. Sorry for your loss. Thoughts and prayers go out to you, your FI and your best mans family. This has to be hard fo you.

I like your idea with the chair as a memorial but I personally Couldn't/wouldn't do the chair. When I get married, I plan on putting a little "In Memory Of" place in the program(if we do em) or a pic with couple flowers near the guest book for my one grandmother who passed away recently. This way there's something to remember her but not in a 'big, kinda in your face" way for lack of better words/term at the moment. Another reason why I'd like to keep it little is do to my 1 aunt is still having a bit of a rough time. I'd also check with the immeidate family to see what their thoughts are on it.

HUGS!!!!!!!

sklink0486

My grandmother died many years ago now, but I am playing one of her favorite songs during our prelude- "Claire de Lune". That's my tribute to her without being in your face. We probably won't have programs and even though it's been years, I was very connected with her, so to have a photo or anything else would probably make me upset. I agree with everyone else that you should take some time. You have plenty of time and you don't want to do something at your wedding that will make people sad or upset. Everyone who knows what happened will be thinking of him anyways..

gettingmarried412

I am so sorry for your loss and the grief you guys must be going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you & your fiance and your bestman's family.

I agree w/ PP. Give it some time before you make any decisions. I also think the empty chair would be too powerful for me and probably my FI. I think putting something in your program would be best, maybe even just list the wedding party and for the best man, put his name and say something like "although he is not physically here, he is with us today and every day" or something along those lines. I also agree to talk w/ his parents about any ideas before doing them, especially if they are invited. Is there anything that your best man can wear that discreetly represents his best man? For example, FI & best man love 2 different football teams and are constantly teasing each other about the others favorite team. FI could  wear cuff links representing the best man's favorite football team.

Again, no need to make any decisions right now.

mattycam

It seems like you got a lot of good advice. I just wanted to pass on my deepest sympathies to you, your FI and Best man's family.

evabo31

I'm terribly sorry for your loss.

corpuscutie

I am sorry for your loss and my prayers go out to you all.  I think it would be neat to take something that reminds you of him and incorporate it into your wedding.  My peepaw (grandfather) loved sunflowers so I was considering incorporating a sunflower into the centerpieces or my bouquet.  It doesn't necessarily have to be a flower.  Just an idea.