Thoughts on... living together before the wedding

kayleighe

Are y'all doing this? I know this is still WAY taboo in SC. My father threatened to not pay for the wedding if we were "just going to live in sin anyway." With jobs and rent cost though.... it is seeming very necessary!

Who is living together? Who is not? Thoughts on the pros and cons of either?

ps: I ROCKED a job interview today!

ChaunteM09

My FI and I have lived together right at a year...and we've only been together for two years. He grew up in Charleston and I'm from Columbia.. He has a great job down here and at the time when we got engaged, I wasn't happy at my job in Columbia...but being in the news business, it takes a while to find a job.  So I started looking even before we got engaged and it took 7 months before I had an interview in Charleston for a job. And I was even apply for jobs outside of my field. 

We already have a joint bank account ...figured since we are living together might as well share money.

If your dad isn't going to pay for the wedding, then stick with living apart.  We are paying for the majority of our wedding as is...if I could have someone pay for it all, that'd be great.

katheriner89

I asked my mom what she thought about my FI & I moving in together- we weren't even engaged when we moved in together. Her exact words were "Why waste each others time, the worst that could happen is yall not be able to stand living with each other. Then atleast you wouldn't have wasted 2-3 years"
mind you that we had only been dating around 6 months!!
but here we are now, getting married.

good luck

p.s. if daddy isn't going to pay for the wedding, im saying stay with your own place.

lenzi13

My FI and have have been living together since a month or so after we first met. Crazy I know but we just clicked so well. He came to visit and just never left hehe. But if daddy is paying then stick to living apart. We also have joint bank accounts. He moved with me so I could start college and now we have our own place. I think its best to try to live together first b/c what if you guys cant stand each other then what are you going to do?

victoria0993

FI and I dont live together but I dont see anything wrong with living together before the wedding...especially if it helps out financially! But, if your dad said that he wont pay for the wedding if you move in together then I would try to hold off on it till the wedding.  

jennalynne2

I was extremely against living together without being married. Part of that was my mom and part of it was seeing what happened to friends when they moved in with boyfriends and then broke up. It seemed like everyone else in the world thought I was an idiot for refusing to move in with him (he literally lived 100 steps down the sidewalk from me in the same apartment complex), but I stuck to my guns. . .until I lost my job. I was unemployed for 9 months, and towards the end of it (August), my lease was up. My fiance and I sat down and talked about what my best option would be (basically moving in with him, moving back home with my parents in Chicago, or praying my unemployment would keep getting extended for the next 6 months) and decided that moving in together was the right move. I was terrified to tell my mom the plan, but she was actually okay with it (it probably helped that we were engaged by that point). The only regret I have about it is that I feel like the beginning of married life is going to be a little less special just b/c we've already taken that first step.

Having said all that, financially yes, living together makes a lot of sense. But if your dad's not going to pay for the wedding if you do move in together, it may make more sense financially to just wait it out. Maybe your dad will help with your rent??? :-)

woodsandminkin

Both FI's parents and mine had been divorced. Neither had lived together before they were married. FI and I dated for 3 years before moving in together. We both got jobs in a city where we knew no one, so it made sense to move in together. Both of our families supported us because at that point, we knew marriage was coming some time in the future, and they didn't want us to make the same mistakes they did. They thought it was a good idea to see what living together was like before getting married. We have now been living together for 2 years (3 by the time we get married), and we have been dating for 5 1/2. I fully support it because you truly learn about each other when you move in together- no matter how many nights you have stayed with him, no matter how long you've dated, no matter how well you THINK you know them.

As a side note, however, if your dad feels THAT strongly about it, I would consider his wishes. Maybe if you sit down and explain the situation and why y'all want to move in together, he may come around. Or maybe if you try to understand why he feels is so strongly against it, you may change your mind.

woodsandminkin

Oh- and Congrats on the job interview and I hope you hear back soon

cayres5

Congrats on the interview!

We are getting married in SC but don't live there.  We moved in together after dating for about a year and a half.  It made sense financially for us but it also wasn't that big of a deal for our parents.  I'm from Illinois so maybe it is more acceptable here. I am glad that we did though so we could get used to living together.  The first year was an adjustment.

kayleighe

Thanks for all the input! I had my second interview today and don't feel as good about it ....so we're going to wait and see if I get the job before we worry anymore about the living arrangement.

I didn't give many details before, but the reason it's on the table is more about location than financial reasons. He is still a student and therefore living at his parents, and I'm a live-in nanny so I live with a family about 30 minutes from him. If I take this job I'll be working even farther, especially in Houston traffic!! Our concern is that we'll see each other even less than we do now unless we're living together.

I completely support living with someone before marrying them. He and I have both lived with past significant others for about the same amount of time. Because of that, I feel like we're more prepared for moving in together because we've already experienced the shock of having someone else in your space. I was actually liking the idea of not moving in together until wedding time because it will feel so "official" that our lives have changed, but I'm not opposed to changing my mind for something like our current predicament. 

My father is just difficult! lol. It's making an already tough situation even harder. I'll keep y'all posted on whatever happens!

Jessieleigh316

I wouldn't do it. My fiance and I have been engaged for three years and he opted to live with his mother over me when money got tight. I'm a family counseling student in Columbia right now, which I get isn't like impressive or anything, but speaking from a semi-professional view, its not good for couples in the long run - there's a sizeable difference in marriage satisfaction and divorce rates between couples who cohabitate and couples who don't.

Plus, it takes a lot of the fun out of getting married. We've been together for so long, hubby and I can't wait to experience each other's routines and come home to one another at the end of a long day. That's something we've never had to look forward to before!

kimnelson09

DH and I lived together for almost 3 years before getting married.  It was the right decision for us.  It wasn't open for discussion with our parents.  We were adults and we wanted to live together, so that's what we did. 

And, despite what PP has said, it doesn't take away from the "specialness" of being married.  I came into my marriage knowing full well what to expect in terms of how my DH is at home and I have zero regrets.  You do realize that those divorce statistics were from the 70s, right? 

As for you, I'm not meaning this to be snarky or anything, but if you have to have your parents' permission to make a decision about your own life, that's a problem.  Had my parents pulled the "if you move in together, I won't pay for your wedding" schtick, I would have said, "Then I guess you're not paying for my wedding.  We'll do what we can afford, but thanks for the offer."  Your obligation is to your fiance, not your father.  Do what works for the two of you. 

Keep your parents out of your marriage now or you're going to have a hell of a time keeping them out later.  You would not believe the number of posters on The Nest who didn't set boundaries and are now struggling with asserting themselves. 

Lady Smith

You might try being adults and paying for your own wedding then Daddy can't tell you what to do. I know it's a new concept but you should really try it, you might like the way it makes you feel all grown up.